Sideways

I didn’t have a great call with Bunny tonight. It wasn’t like we argued. She was distracted. I didn’t have much to report. She gave me an idea that I didn’t think was that good. She didn’t really know what to say after disagreed with her. Parents have a million interactions like this with their kids over the years. Not terrible.  Not great. A little tense or awkward. Words unsaid. Emotions just under the surface. 

It’s like when you walk into a room and things are left sideways. Not broken. Not damaged. Just needing to be righted. A simple fix when you are present. 

But when you live your parenting over the phone 20 minutes at a time...sideways doesn’t get righted quickly. And maybe unresolved just stays unresolved. Tonight’s 20 minutes was just 10 awkward ones instead. I’ll wait till tomorrow for another chance. 

I’m grateful for these glimpses into her life. I’m grateful for what small connection we can maintain. But these moments, more than others, are the times I wish I could just walk down the hall to her room and sit on her bed and work out any of the weirdness.  

And I’ll live sideways, with her hours away, until she is just a walk down the hall. 

On losing and gaining

It's been 179 days since she was taken. We are days away from a full 6 months apart. Where has it gone?

I was reading a news article that was summarizing 2020 in America thus far, and I found that I couldn't remember most any of the things mentioned for January or February or even into March.

I read excerpts from The Washington Post and the New York Times daily. Daily! And I couldn't remember anything.

Like most people, the reality of COVID didn't truly hit (in the change every part of your life sort of way) until mid-March. Our reality had already been turned inside out and despite reading daily news reports, nothing outside of my very small sphere of events stuck in my head. It isn't surprising really. It's kind of like giving birth - it's life changing and dramatic, but there's also so much happening simultaneously, after awhile the details fade away and only the most major moments stand out.

But as I reflect on the first half of this year, I realize how very quickly our lives both shrunk and expanded. As a globe, we were both determined to stay connected and yet nearly completely isolated. 

We learned how much of our life could be lost - and we learned which parts of it mattered.

We learned how much of our relationships could weather the sudden change - and we learned the pain of loneliness like never before. 

We learned how to flex to keep things going - and we learned what Zoom and FaceTime and technology could not replace.

And from this place of learning what truly mattered to us, life started to move....

Racial reforms started to move in ways that haven't been seen since the 1960's.

Intentional acts of kindness and generosity - outpourings of sacrifice and selflessness pour out in unprecedented ways.

People lauded jobs that had been thankless professions like never before - had we ever applauded our custodial staffs the way we have this year?

People of immense talent took to the internet to bring others joy, simply because they could - for free.

Yes, we grieved great loss - moments that could not be postponed - milestones that looked much different than we expected - no family present when last breaths were taken - or first cries were uttered. There are things that have passed that will never come again.

And yet - we learned that we could change. We learned that we could grow. We learned that even in the darkest times, we could thrive.

My family is forever changed. Our parenting has forever changed. Our marriage has forever changed. And yet.... even with all that we have been missing, perhaps some day in the future we will find that we let go of some things that we really hadn't needed to hold onto. We may find we reclaimed pieces of ourselves that we hadn't meant to lose. 

And maybe, just maybe, we will someday find that we have gained more than we lost.