Empty Room

21 years ago, in love with my future husband, I wrote a song talking about how hard it was to be far away from him. He was a Senior at Purdue (Indiana). I was a Senior at Rutgers (New Jersey). There were 800 miles between us, as well as 2 semesters and several part time jobs, keeping us from spending time together. 

Today, I moved boxes labeled "Bunny Storage" from our storage unit in West Lafayette to her room in our new house in Evansville. It's freshly painted (a color she chose) and it has her furniture and boxes with her name on it. But she isn't there. And I really have no idea when she will be there. And that has stirred so many emotions in me. I'm so thankful to have a home to move her to - and thankful that it is a fresh start for her. And yet, to go through this major life change without her here was heart wrenching. It didn't help that today I picked up the "evidence" (aka - her possessions seized by police the night of the arrest) and finally brought those home as well. This time feels so awkward - moving forward in pieces and chunks - never feeling whole - never feeling like it's actually settled.

21 year old me thought she knew about loss. She thought she knew about grief. She thought she knew about pain and longing. Painting Bunny's "empty room", I could hear 21 year old me singing these words. The words ring true to me today - but 21 years ago, I had no idea how much a heart can hurt...

Empty Room - Lyrics by Susan Ratcliffe, Music by David Ely

I see you sitting at your desk, you're on the telephone

Remember I know how it feels to be lost and alone

They say that distance makes the heart grown fonder

But sometimes I don't think I can last much longer

I close my eyes so that I see your smile

I know your voice though it has been awhile

Empty room why do you feel so cold to me

I long for you but painted walls are all I see

800 miles never felt so long before

Until I found what I was searching for

But you're gone, and I'm alone

You're gone, and I'm alone

The word goodbye seems to come so frequently

Can I stop time and make you stay here with me

A right of passage, a fact of life for you and I

But how can I live day to day without you by my side

I close my eyes so that I see your smile

I know your voice though it has been awhile

Empty room why do you feel so cold to me

I long for you but painted walls are all I see

800 miles never felt so long before

Until I found what I was searching for

But you're gone, and I'm alone

You're gone, and I'm alone

He is Enough...This is Enough...I am Enough

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4: 11-13

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 1 Corinthians 2: 9-10

"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities,nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 37-39

"Maybe God put me here for what I can accomplish in this time, that couldn't happen any other way...." Bunny Ely - May 13, 2020

Tim Keller gave a fabulous sermon on meditation, giving an example through Ephesians 3 where Paul expounds on the love of God (breath and length and height and depth) and teaches us how to rest in the truth of who God is and what that means for us. In this time a feeling perpetually insufficient and limited by the very physical barriers of distance and disease - I have begun a simple meditation to rest in the truth of who God is and what that means for me - and Bunny - and everyone else in the world. 

My mantra has become "He is Enough - This is Enough - I am Enough". Simple to say - easy to remember - deep and powerful truth.

He is Enough! His grace is sufficient. He give us our strength needed for each day. NOTHING can separate us from His love. All things originate from Him and so I remind myself that He is enough. I don't need to look to other places, people or things. I rest first and foremost in Him.

This is Enough. Whatever this is - fruitful or bare, abundant or scarce, pleasant or difficult. Today - right now - in this moment - this is enough. Things change quickly for better or worse. But Paul reminds us in Romans 8 that this life and things present do not separate us from the love of God any more than things to come or powers of darkness or death or anything else. This moment - this painful, complicated moment which could tempt me to despair is not able to separate me from God. This is enough. It doesn't have to be better for me to be ok. I can desire change, but my HOPE is not in a change in circumstance. My HOPE is in God. And He is Enough.

I am Enough. God is so gracious to give Paul words of strength and power. Paul isn't left with a warm and fuzzy thought about God being enough. He give us encouragement that God gives us grace and strength so that WE are Enough. His grace and strength work in us a through us - even through our greatest weakness or fear. I can be confident of His work in me - so even when I feel insufficient, I can trust that His strength is Enough for this moment. Right now. In this circumstance. So when I feel so far away and incapable of parenting my daughter - that is a feeling, but it isn't the ultimate reality. The ultimate reality is that for this moment, whatever I can do through the power and grace God gives me, is enough. I may wish I could do more - but right here, right now, this is enough.

Finally - this is true for us all - including Bunny. While the context for the quote above was with regards to her schooling, the very fact that she sees the hand of God moving for her good in this time is an answer to prayer far beyond my wildest hopes and dreams. The comfort she can receive knowing that God is purposeful in this place for her - that there is good - right now - not just in her future.....this is beyond all I could ask or imagine. 

I thank you all for your prayers - because I know your prayers of intercession are moving in her. I know the Holy Spirit is comforting her and giving her eyes to see God's presence. And I know every time I choose faith over my fears, it is because of the love of God, experienced in your prayerful support for us, that allows us to see an ultimate reality far beyond how I feel.

He is Enough

This is Enough

I am Enough

The beautiful prison of ignorance

There are things you can't un-know.

There are things you can't un-see.

There are things you can't un-feel.

Despite how awful the truth may be, once it is known, it shapes us - how we respond - how we think. 

Ignorance can come from many things. It can be a choice - closing your eyes to what is around you. Or maybe it's lack of access - never experiencing anything different. Or maybe it is simply naivety - being too young to have experienced enough life to understand the world. But there is a beauty we call innocence. Thinking the best of people. Hope for the future. Belief in the impossible. Childlike faith. And yet, to thrive one must leave behind at least some of that innocence. One cannot remain naive. If you want to make a difference in the world, you have to see the ugliness and injustice and corruption. You have be honest with yourself about your own flaws and failings. You have to recognize that truth and justice must be fought for - that doing what is right often comes at a cost. 

For Bunny this entry into reality has been quick and brutal. From without and within, she now wrestles with the awful truth - her actions - their consequences - her current reality - her precarious future. For the last several months, things happened so quickly, frequently changing with little knowledge about what was coming next, that I don't think she ever really sat with her reality. Whether it was actual shock or simply repressing all her thoughts and feelings until she had space to process them fully, she is only now asking herself questions we have been thinking all along. And while she has very few answers, the questions weigh on her. I hear this in subtle comments on the phone. Or brief statements in her emails. The few questions she verbalizes to us reveal a much deeper questioning in her heart and mind. Over the past 2 weeks she has been posing questions like:

How do I move forward without just putting all of these emotions and experiences in a box and pretending it didn't happen? 

How do I have real relationships with people when I get out - I don't want this to be ALL they see, but this is a big part of my life story.

How is this impacting others? My parents - my brothers (especially AJ) - the victims? 

How can I ever make things right?

How did I get here? How did I throw my life away so fast?

What happens next? Is there really a future out there for me?

These are all appropriate to ask. But as her mom I can't help but grieve. I grieve her innocence lost in this all. I grieve how little guidance I can provide over bad phone lines and emails limited to 2000 characters. I grieve how little emotional and spiritual support she has for these questions - who is showing her mercy? - who is teaching her about grace? - who is giving her hope?

She is no longer in a beautiful prison of ignorance but a very real and hard prison of reality. She cannot change the past. She cannot know the future. She simply obeys the instructions for the present and marks each day as complete when the lights go out at 8:30 pm. 

For those of you praying - please pray for her mental, emotional and spiritual health. She MUST process this experience - and yet in our limitations for communication I have to rely fully on the Holy Spirit to minister to the very deepest parts of her heart and mind. And please pray that those in contact with her speak words of encouragement - of hope - of grace.