370

Three weeks from right this minute we should be getting into a car with Bunny and driving home. I will have hugged her for the first time in 370 days. I think the pandemic makes it a little easier for us to empathize what it must be like for Bunny to have so little human contact for 370 days. I think of how often she would cuddle with me or David or Charlie on the couch. I think about how my arm would naturally stretch across the back of her shoulders when we would sit an binge watch a show together. How I’d hold her hand when we were having a serious conversation. 

I think about this first hug when I see her - just 21 days from this moment- and the only thing I can compare it with is dreaming about my wedding kiss. While David and I certainly kissed before that moment in the ceremony, I used to lay awake wondering how it would be different - would the weight of the moment and it’s significance make it seem different? Would the people staring at us from the pews make us self-conscious? Would we both turn our heads the same way and bump noses? 

I know what it is like to hug Bunny - but I wonder about THAT hug....will it hold the weight of these 370 days or will it come close to capturing the joy in that moment? Will I cling, afraid of them taking her from me again? Will I instantly feel the difference of how much she has grown over the past year? 

I’m really not trying to overanalyze here - but I want to be able to savor that sweet reunion. I want to blast the heater off the car right before I get out so I actually feel warm and cuddly to her. I want to wear my softest clothes so her finger curl into the fabric like they did when she was a baby. I want the crook of my neck to smell the way she remembers me smelling. I want all of her senses to know she is home. 

And I want her to know that she will never count how long she has gone without a hug ever again. 

40

 We are 40 days out from Bunny's return and celebrating with meditating on Psalm 40 and U2's iconic song, "40". 

Bono summarizes the first few verses of the Psalm by singing: "I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined and heard my cry. He lifted me up out of the pits, out of the miry clay and I will sing, sing a new song. I will sing, sing a new song."

If you stop here, you're tempted to think that this is a Psalm of praise for great things God has done - He has rescued His people yet again. The first 11 verses read like a typical song of praise - and David has written a lot of them. But you hit verse 12 and read about evil surrounding him, his heart failing, his accusers closing in, enemies delighting in his hurt and seeking to end his life. Psalm 40 ends with this verse (40:17) "But I am afflicted and needy. May the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my savior. Do not delay my God."

David is still in the pit. 

In fact, his life seems to move him from one pit to another. Someone betrays him. Someone attacks him. His own failings bring dishonor and pain to his home and family. Sounds a lot like us....

The author of Hebrews tell us (13:15) "Through Him then, let's continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips praising His name." Countless verses speak to praise God in all circumstance. It's an act of resilient faith to say that even when everything is falling down around me, I will still praise You for who You are. I can sing a new song, even when I am still in the pit waiting for deliverance.

Being in a countdown, it's easy to think that life will be full of sunshine and rainbows when Bunny returns. And while we will be thrilled, I know there are more challenges ahead of us. The transition alone is something I can barely wrap my head around and gives me great anxiety. How do I help her to find a new normal in a new home, new town, away from everything she knew, when her last 15 months were marked by guards, girls fighting, cold showers, bad food and separation from every person who loves her? And that's just step 0! 

I think we all can relate to this "living in a countdown" mentality after a year of COVID. We were waiting to go back to school or work or church. We were waiting for the vaccine. We were waiting for things to get back to normal. And then - after so much waiting, we realized that we would never return to where we had been. Even once we are all vaccinated, normal will not look the same as it once did. 

Our new song isn't about a change in circumstance. It's about a change in perspective. It's realizing that the same God that has saved me before - and will surely save me again - is here with me in the pit. I don't have to leave the pit to be saved. I'm already in the presence of God. And while this is always true, it's so hard to remember. The pit is so distracting and can feel absolutely overwhelming at times. I'm thankful for David's Psalms - giving me permission to cry out and praise and cry out again, all in just a few verses. I'm thankful....I'm needy...I'm scared... I'm confident....I'm praising....I'm desperate....

I might have to remind myself several times a day to sing a new song - but the God I am praising has never changed. And He has never left me.