Be kind.
MaryBeth Chapman wrote a book "Choosing to See" in the aftermath of losing one of her daughters in a tragic accident. The book is phenomenal and I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet. After all, since we are all home, might as well read a good book.
The title of that tome has probably been more helpful to my mental and emotional health than numerous therapy sessions, as an ongoing reminder of my ability to take control and choose what I see. As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression for much of my adult life, I don't intend to preach a quick fix for all circumstances. I for one can tell you that in my deepest days of depression, opening my eyes may be as much as I could "choose" to do. Acknowledging there was a greater reality to the overwhelming darkness I was experiencing was nothing short of a miracle. I couldn't choose to "get over it", "be happy", "count my blessings" or any other pithy advice thrown my way from people with somewhat good intentions but no idea of what depression is all about.
However, in a better mental space, I was able to start internalizing this idea that our filter by which we saw the world was very much in our control. When you are in the bottom of a pit, the pit truly is surrounding you on all sides and the light is very far away. But if you've managed to climb out of the pit, you begin to see other things that have been present all along - just blocked from your field of view. People outside the pit kept telling you they were there - but now you can see them for yourself - if you choose to look.
These last few months have given me so many opportunities to choose to see. But more than that, I am overwhelmed by those who have chosen to see my daughter as more than a DOC number...more than her sentencing....more than her corrections uniform. Despite having my only daughter sent to a juvenile maximum security facility at 13 years of age in the midst of the greatest pandemic of over 100 years, I am overwhelmed by the perpetual gentleness and kindness from those in the very darkest places of society.
From the county sheriff who cried as she put cuffs on Bunny in our home, to the personnel at the county jail, the Johnson County Detention Center, and now the Department of Corrections; these individuals extend kindness to us as we learn this new system. They speak in soft tones and patiently explain every process (which is continually changing thanks to COVID-19), answering any questions I have. They tell me how sweet Bunny - how smart she is - how well she is doing. They encourage me, telling me they are looking out for her in my absence. That they want the best for her.
They are executing the law. They are following the procedures for incarceration. But they are doing it with kindness. With patience. With grace. Despite the tragic situation we face, they have chosen to see my daughter for more than her crime. And they see me, as her mom, longing to know that someone is taking care of her when I cannot.
I'm not in the pit I once was...but I'm pretty far from those mountain top views - it's more a valley of rolling hills with partly cloud skies. But the more I experience people seeing Bunny for her whole self, the more sun that peaks through.
They choose to see her.
I choose to see Him.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Tminus ? and counting
Imagine a room....picture it in your mind....
For each of us, we probably had 4 wall and a ceiling - maybe we all had a door - some of us had a window. It may be bright or dim - decorated or empty - full of wonderful memories or completely foreign to you.
Every time I talk to Bunny, I learn a little more about the room that she is in. I can't see it anytime soon - but with another 5 minute phone call, I can picture a little more. This is the bittersweet aspect of talking to her. As the reality of her time in DOC takes shape, it simultaneously eases my fears and accentuates the reality of her imprisonment. I am both grateful to better picture her surroundings and completely undone by her reality. It's a constant tension that I doubt will ever leave completely. For all of you praying that we would connect, thank you. That was the longest I have ever gone in my life without speaking to her. I'm hoping that's the record and we won't break it anytime soon.
She said she is fine. She was scared the first few days and anxious, but that has mostly dissipated as she has gotten into a new routine. She is nearly complete with Intake Processing, which has had her with 2 other girls staying in one room pretty much all the time. Their meals are in their room. They complete school work packets in their room. They pretty much only leave for showers, the library and therapy.
Tuesday (March 31) she will join general population as the newest member of Unit 2. (Not sure yet how many other girls that will include.) Her case worker effective 3/31 is Ms. Browning. Starting Tuesday, I will be able to schedule a weekly 10 minute FaceTime call with Bunny. This is huge because we will actually SEE her and we can schedule the times for when we know David will also be home. (He has missed the past 2 calls.)
She has already been to 2 therapy sessions and has a meeting scheduled with the psychiatrist to determine her overall therapy program and any medications. We are expecting him to prescribe an anti-anxiety med.
She has started one of the court ordered programs, which involves her doing reflection on her own and recording answers in a workbook and then discussing it with her therapist. She will start the other programs the court ordered once she is in general population, as those are group sessions.
She has been doing academic work using a packet of worksheets that were deemed appropriate for 8th grade work. She said it was super easy. Starting 3/31, she will be doing online school with the rest of the general population. She has also continued to read voraciously - reading about a half dozen books since she arrived on 3/18.
Her room in the house we are buying has rich dark hardwood floors. It has big open windows and a ceiling fan. It's painted a light color, but she can paint it any color she wants once she's there. I can picture that room. I can picture her in it. I can picture walking down the hall and poking my head, seeing her watching a video on her phone snuggled under her fuzzy. It's not where she is - but it's a lot easier for me to picture that image than it is for me to picture her in LaPorte.
This is going to feel like forever. And then it will be behind us.
For each of us, we probably had 4 wall and a ceiling - maybe we all had a door - some of us had a window. It may be bright or dim - decorated or empty - full of wonderful memories or completely foreign to you.
Every time I talk to Bunny, I learn a little more about the room that she is in. I can't see it anytime soon - but with another 5 minute phone call, I can picture a little more. This is the bittersweet aspect of talking to her. As the reality of her time in DOC takes shape, it simultaneously eases my fears and accentuates the reality of her imprisonment. I am both grateful to better picture her surroundings and completely undone by her reality. It's a constant tension that I doubt will ever leave completely. For all of you praying that we would connect, thank you. That was the longest I have ever gone in my life without speaking to her. I'm hoping that's the record and we won't break it anytime soon.
She said she is fine. She was scared the first few days and anxious, but that has mostly dissipated as she has gotten into a new routine. She is nearly complete with Intake Processing, which has had her with 2 other girls staying in one room pretty much all the time. Their meals are in their room. They complete school work packets in their room. They pretty much only leave for showers, the library and therapy.
Tuesday (March 31) she will join general population as the newest member of Unit 2. (Not sure yet how many other girls that will include.) Her case worker effective 3/31 is Ms. Browning. Starting Tuesday, I will be able to schedule a weekly 10 minute FaceTime call with Bunny. This is huge because we will actually SEE her and we can schedule the times for when we know David will also be home. (He has missed the past 2 calls.)
She has already been to 2 therapy sessions and has a meeting scheduled with the psychiatrist to determine her overall therapy program and any medications. We are expecting him to prescribe an anti-anxiety med.
She has started one of the court ordered programs, which involves her doing reflection on her own and recording answers in a workbook and then discussing it with her therapist. She will start the other programs the court ordered once she is in general population, as those are group sessions.
She has been doing academic work using a packet of worksheets that were deemed appropriate for 8th grade work. She said it was super easy. Starting 3/31, she will be doing online school with the rest of the general population. She has also continued to read voraciously - reading about a half dozen books since she arrived on 3/18.
Her room in the house we are buying has rich dark hardwood floors. It has big open windows and a ceiling fan. It's painted a light color, but she can paint it any color she wants once she's there. I can picture that room. I can picture her in it. I can picture walking down the hall and poking my head, seeing her watching a video on her phone snuggled under her fuzzy. It's not where she is - but it's a lot easier for me to picture that image than it is for me to picture her in LaPorte.
This is going to feel like forever. And then it will be behind us.
Monday, March 23, 2020
He got the whole world in His hands
Global pandemics have a way of changing our focus. I'm sure I'm not the only person who knows someone who actually has the virus and is in serious condition. I'm sure I'm not the only person who had many plans canceled or changed due to Social Distancing, organizations canceling events or common sense to scale back on life and stay home. Many people feel anxious and overwhelmed.
But I have taken great comfort in the size of our God. Our childish song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is actually a huge statement of faith. He has Bunny and her situation (which is still pretty much all consuming in my mind) just as cared for, even though He is also now hearing millions of prayers for the sick, those isolated and afraid, those losing income and not sure how to pay their bills and every other concern taking center stage in someone's life right now.
As I hear of increasing needs within my small group of friends and acquaintances, I can start to feel like I simply just can't pray for everyone. I'm bound to miss someone or something. I'm not even sure if my information is up-to-date and I am praying the right things. And yet - God isn't undone by my limitations. And my prayers aren't less sincere or heard, simply because I'm not always sure what to pray. While I can truly reach a place where my capacity is exceeded by current needs - God never experiences that. There is nothing in this world beyond His reach - there is nothing that goes unseen.
My prayer for Bunny while she is in a new place and we haven't received a phone call in days is no less heard than the prayer for someone fighting COVID-19, struggling to breathe...struggling to live. And those prayers are no less heard than the prayer of one struggling with anxiety, now isolated from their support systems. And those prayers are no less heard than the ones of behalf of everyone trying to have a positive attitude as their patience runs thin and they start to feel stir crazy.
I take great comfort in knowing that God doesn't rank our prayers in order of importance or simply ignore those that aren't as critical. He knows how critical they are to us - and He cares for each of our hearts.
Personally, I'm thankful for everything shutting down.
I'm thankful to have my boys home with me all the time, as we continue to process the last several months as a family.
I'm thankful that the whole world is on house arrest - and when Bunny comes home, she won't be the only one who spent the Spring of 2020 isolated, doing school online and separated from normal teen activities.
I'm especially thankful for all the people who have enough mental space to keep us in their prayers, even though each day brings new concerns and prayer requests.
I'm thankful He has the whole world in His hands.....
But I have taken great comfort in the size of our God. Our childish song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is actually a huge statement of faith. He has Bunny and her situation (which is still pretty much all consuming in my mind) just as cared for, even though He is also now hearing millions of prayers for the sick, those isolated and afraid, those losing income and not sure how to pay their bills and every other concern taking center stage in someone's life right now.
As I hear of increasing needs within my small group of friends and acquaintances, I can start to feel like I simply just can't pray for everyone. I'm bound to miss someone or something. I'm not even sure if my information is up-to-date and I am praying the right things. And yet - God isn't undone by my limitations. And my prayers aren't less sincere or heard, simply because I'm not always sure what to pray. While I can truly reach a place where my capacity is exceeded by current needs - God never experiences that. There is nothing in this world beyond His reach - there is nothing that goes unseen.
My prayer for Bunny while she is in a new place and we haven't received a phone call in days is no less heard than the prayer for someone fighting COVID-19, struggling to breathe...struggling to live. And those prayers are no less heard than the prayer of one struggling with anxiety, now isolated from their support systems. And those prayers are no less heard than the ones of behalf of everyone trying to have a positive attitude as their patience runs thin and they start to feel stir crazy.
I take great comfort in knowing that God doesn't rank our prayers in order of importance or simply ignore those that aren't as critical. He knows how critical they are to us - and He cares for each of our hearts.
Personally, I'm thankful for everything shutting down.
I'm thankful to have my boys home with me all the time, as we continue to process the last several months as a family.
I'm thankful that the whole world is on house arrest - and when Bunny comes home, she won't be the only one who spent the Spring of 2020 isolated, doing school online and separated from normal teen activities.
I'm especially thankful for all the people who have enough mental space to keep us in their prayers, even though each day brings new concerns and prayer requests.
I'm thankful He has the whole world in His hands.....
Saturday, March 14, 2020
I'm not crying, you're crying
Truth bomb: I'm a mess.
For two days this week I sat on a couch and basically did nothing except watch TV and play games on my phone and stare into space while my mind replayed scenes from the last 8 weeks.
My sleep is restless and despite doing nothing I still feel tired. Somehow I am both sad and numb to the pain. I am relieved and crushed by the sentencing. I'm lonely and desperate to be left alone. I'm nearly vibrating with nervous energy - desperate to do something - anything....and yet unwilling to leave the sofa. It's not good.
Yesterday I actually made myself be hyper-productive - cleaning and filling my day with chores. And yet despite the activity I still felt listless inside.
It's a marathon of a situation. And I hate to use that imagery, because I have a father-in-law who is super accomplished in running marathons....so don't picture him. Picture me...I've run 20.5 miles of a marathon. (Again, don't picture actual running - picture an awkward combination of walking, limping, jogging and standing still in frustration...)
When I attempted a marathon several years ago, I had trained for a half-marathon and somehow missed the math that this race would be double the half marathon I trained for. The first 8 miles were a lark - so much fun watching all the other people running around us and seeing their costumes, reading their t-shirts, overhearing bits of conversations. It flew by. The next 5 miles we dug in - the temperature was starting to fall the crowds were thinning out based on your pace and the wind picked up. We were running down the boardwalk of Virginia Beach looping towards the starting line (the course was a figure 8) and you actually ran through the finish line at 13.2 miles - people to the left ran through the finishers corral getting metals, bananas and other swag. People on the right continue for the second half of the race. It would have been so easy to veer left and be done. But we signed up for the marathon and actually didn't feel like we would die - so we kept going.
Life right now is the second part of that race. Take the most draining activity I have ever done (the half marathon) and double it. Without proper training. Running in sleet. Into the wind.
Every part of me feels wrung out, yet we aren't done. We aren't even halfway done with her incarceration. Somehow, with nothing left to give, I have to stay positive - keep encouraging Bunny - be a mom to my boys who also are processing this (and now home all the time thanks to COVID-19) - be a wife - a homemaker - a college professor - a daughter - a friend.
I have nothing left.....but I'm not done.
During that race, out on the windiest location of Virginia Beach, watching the clouds grow darker and the chop of the water - David and I realized that we were as far away from the finishing line as we could be. As soon as you round the bend at the lighthouse, you are now bringing yourself closer to the finish line with each step. Just run the last 6 miles, an arc around the edge of the beach, and you'd be done. And yet - we knew how depleted we were.
We sat down.
Eventually a van came around and picked us up and drove us back to the start of the race where we parked the car. No medal. No banana. No swag. We were thankful to be in van with heat - out of the rain and sleet. We went back to the hotel - stood under the hottest water we could stand in the shower and slept.
There's no metaphorical van here. This race has to be completed. We have to just keep moving. One foot in front of the other. Or maybe sometimes I'll just sit down for awhile.
While there is really nothing "to-do" anymore - we aren't even close to done.
And somehow, I will need to be enough.
For two days this week I sat on a couch and basically did nothing except watch TV and play games on my phone and stare into space while my mind replayed scenes from the last 8 weeks.
My sleep is restless and despite doing nothing I still feel tired. Somehow I am both sad and numb to the pain. I am relieved and crushed by the sentencing. I'm lonely and desperate to be left alone. I'm nearly vibrating with nervous energy - desperate to do something - anything....and yet unwilling to leave the sofa. It's not good.
Yesterday I actually made myself be hyper-productive - cleaning and filling my day with chores. And yet despite the activity I still felt listless inside.
It's a marathon of a situation. And I hate to use that imagery, because I have a father-in-law who is super accomplished in running marathons....so don't picture him. Picture me...I've run 20.5 miles of a marathon. (Again, don't picture actual running - picture an awkward combination of walking, limping, jogging and standing still in frustration...)
When I attempted a marathon several years ago, I had trained for a half-marathon and somehow missed the math that this race would be double the half marathon I trained for. The first 8 miles were a lark - so much fun watching all the other people running around us and seeing their costumes, reading their t-shirts, overhearing bits of conversations. It flew by. The next 5 miles we dug in - the temperature was starting to fall the crowds were thinning out based on your pace and the wind picked up. We were running down the boardwalk of Virginia Beach looping towards the starting line (the course was a figure 8) and you actually ran through the finish line at 13.2 miles - people to the left ran through the finishers corral getting metals, bananas and other swag. People on the right continue for the second half of the race. It would have been so easy to veer left and be done. But we signed up for the marathon and actually didn't feel like we would die - so we kept going.
Life right now is the second part of that race. Take the most draining activity I have ever done (the half marathon) and double it. Without proper training. Running in sleet. Into the wind.
Every part of me feels wrung out, yet we aren't done. We aren't even halfway done with her incarceration. Somehow, with nothing left to give, I have to stay positive - keep encouraging Bunny - be a mom to my boys who also are processing this (and now home all the time thanks to COVID-19) - be a wife - a homemaker - a college professor - a daughter - a friend.
I have nothing left.....but I'm not done.
During that race, out on the windiest location of Virginia Beach, watching the clouds grow darker and the chop of the water - David and I realized that we were as far away from the finishing line as we could be. As soon as you round the bend at the lighthouse, you are now bringing yourself closer to the finish line with each step. Just run the last 6 miles, an arc around the edge of the beach, and you'd be done. And yet - we knew how depleted we were.
We sat down.
Eventually a van came around and picked us up and drove us back to the start of the race where we parked the car. No medal. No banana. No swag. We were thankful to be in van with heat - out of the rain and sleet. We went back to the hotel - stood under the hottest water we could stand in the shower and slept.
There's no metaphorical van here. This race has to be completed. We have to just keep moving. One foot in front of the other. Or maybe sometimes I'll just sit down for awhile.
While there is really nothing "to-do" anymore - we aren't even close to done.
And somehow, I will need to be enough.
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
When through fiery trials your pathway should lie
My grace all sufficient shall be your supply....
That is the summative truth of yesterday, today and the days to come. We are walking by grace and grace alone - but His grace abounds!
Instead of chronologically going through the trial - I want to write some clear answers to prayer:
1) I slept the night before....it may seem like a small thing but I haven't slept well in months and Monday night I slept a dreamless sleep. I woke up with a singular truth in my head - the presence of God was with us - and that carried us through the day. We experienced His presence in such clear tangible ways. That is a huge answer to prayer.
2) Bunny was blown away by the prayer on her behalf - friends and family across the nation, Becky's entire small group in Colorado - Joe's friend in South Africa - what felt like the entire state of Indiana - but maybe the most surprising and impactful - a girl from detention told Bunny "I'm not sure I believe in God, but I will be praying for you". You're letters filled with prayer and scripture are making a difference, not only to Bunny but to the staff and residents of Johnson County as well.
3) During his testimony, the psychiatrist gave a clear statement (numerous times, responding to questions from the judge, prosecutor and defending attorney) that Bunny was not a danger to society if she received the appropriate therapies. The judge weighed his professional assessment very heavily in her sentencing and Dr. Ascough was very clear in his testimony.
4) The probation officer gave clear, factual testimony to events but did not respond to any of the prosecutor's attempts to create additional motives or interpret various details to make Bunny look even worse. Joe and Gretchen has specifically prayed Psalm 91 that the Lord would break the bow of the accuser and He did exactly that.
5) The victim's father said that he did not know know when he would be able to forgive anyone for this event, but he looked directly at Bunny and said that he truly hoped she got the help she needed. I think this was a kindness in two ways - 1) I think that very statement showed some compassion towards Bunny that can help her as she processes her guilt 2) The overall tone of everyone (except the prosecutor) was to get Bunny help - to recognize that this event was very out of character and that this wasn't simply about punishing her. Even the victim supported that. That was mercy.
6) The sentence itself - while she isn't immediately coming home on house arrest, this truly is the minimum sentencing that justice allows. Her crimes were as severe as you can be outside of murder and yet the judge recognized that as a 13 year old, Bunny truly did not understand the full scope of the potential danger to the victims, the extent of the damage or the consequence of her actions. We have never once tried to portray her as innocent, but we have always felt that while Bunny went intentionally to the house to cause damage, she never thought the house would be a total loss - or considered the possibility of the people inside being hurt. The prosecutor presented a narrative that not only did Bunny try to kill them, but given the chance, she would do it again and potentially be a threat to others - the judge was not swayed by that line of thought at all. Truth was upheld. And I think justice was as well. This is a huge answer to prayer - that the judge saw through the empty accusations but appropriately weighed the truth of the facts of the case, Bunny's attempt to help the victims after starting the fire and her mental state.
Prayers and praise for next steps:
1) Bunny will be transferred to Department of Corrections (LaPorte Indiana) on March 18 - on March 16 we are allowed a family visit, in which the boys will get to see Bunny as well. Some might recognize that March 16 is my birthday - it will be the best present in the world to see her that day - and the second family birthday party held at Johnson County Detention Center this year - as we were also there on the boys 16th birthday. The probation officer is the one that pushed for the delay in her transfer to DOC, giving us time for a family visit - that was a kindness on her part and we are truly thankful.
2) Prayers for whoever is Bunny's case manager in LaPorte. Each girl has a case manager: she will be the person who facilitates Bunny getting through her required programs while in DOC and assesses when Bunny can be released. Pray for Bunny to find favor in the eyes of the DOC personnel, but especially the case manager.
3) The population in DOC is much different than in detention. It is for serious violent offenders through the age of 21. Prayers for Bunny to connect with individuals that help look out for her safety and give her positive companionship.
4) Prayers for Bunny in the next week of waiting to see what DOC will be like. Anticipation can be a very fearful state - prayers that she has continued encouragement from people in detention (both the other girls and the staff). Their support has meant a lot to her and the other girls experience in places like DOC has given her some idea on what to expect.
5) Finally, that Bunny would be released as close to the 90 day minimum as possible. If she was released at 90 days, she would be home in Evansville for her 14th birthday. That would be amazing!
I cannot express our gratitude for all of your love, prayers and support. We are humbled. We are thankful. We are blessed by each of you.
Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow!
That is the summative truth of yesterday, today and the days to come. We are walking by grace and grace alone - but His grace abounds!
Instead of chronologically going through the trial - I want to write some clear answers to prayer:
1) I slept the night before....it may seem like a small thing but I haven't slept well in months and Monday night I slept a dreamless sleep. I woke up with a singular truth in my head - the presence of God was with us - and that carried us through the day. We experienced His presence in such clear tangible ways. That is a huge answer to prayer.
2) Bunny was blown away by the prayer on her behalf - friends and family across the nation, Becky's entire small group in Colorado - Joe's friend in South Africa - what felt like the entire state of Indiana - but maybe the most surprising and impactful - a girl from detention told Bunny "I'm not sure I believe in God, but I will be praying for you". You're letters filled with prayer and scripture are making a difference, not only to Bunny but to the staff and residents of Johnson County as well.
3) During his testimony, the psychiatrist gave a clear statement (numerous times, responding to questions from the judge, prosecutor and defending attorney) that Bunny was not a danger to society if she received the appropriate therapies. The judge weighed his professional assessment very heavily in her sentencing and Dr. Ascough was very clear in his testimony.
4) The probation officer gave clear, factual testimony to events but did not respond to any of the prosecutor's attempts to create additional motives or interpret various details to make Bunny look even worse. Joe and Gretchen has specifically prayed Psalm 91 that the Lord would break the bow of the accuser and He did exactly that.
5) The victim's father said that he did not know know when he would be able to forgive anyone for this event, but he looked directly at Bunny and said that he truly hoped she got the help she needed. I think this was a kindness in two ways - 1) I think that very statement showed some compassion towards Bunny that can help her as she processes her guilt 2) The overall tone of everyone (except the prosecutor) was to get Bunny help - to recognize that this event was very out of character and that this wasn't simply about punishing her. Even the victim supported that. That was mercy.
6) The sentence itself - while she isn't immediately coming home on house arrest, this truly is the minimum sentencing that justice allows. Her crimes were as severe as you can be outside of murder and yet the judge recognized that as a 13 year old, Bunny truly did not understand the full scope of the potential danger to the victims, the extent of the damage or the consequence of her actions. We have never once tried to portray her as innocent, but we have always felt that while Bunny went intentionally to the house to cause damage, she never thought the house would be a total loss - or considered the possibility of the people inside being hurt. The prosecutor presented a narrative that not only did Bunny try to kill them, but given the chance, she would do it again and potentially be a threat to others - the judge was not swayed by that line of thought at all. Truth was upheld. And I think justice was as well. This is a huge answer to prayer - that the judge saw through the empty accusations but appropriately weighed the truth of the facts of the case, Bunny's attempt to help the victims after starting the fire and her mental state.
Prayers and praise for next steps:
1) Bunny will be transferred to Department of Corrections (LaPorte Indiana) on March 18 - on March 16 we are allowed a family visit, in which the boys will get to see Bunny as well. Some might recognize that March 16 is my birthday - it will be the best present in the world to see her that day - and the second family birthday party held at Johnson County Detention Center this year - as we were also there on the boys 16th birthday. The probation officer is the one that pushed for the delay in her transfer to DOC, giving us time for a family visit - that was a kindness on her part and we are truly thankful.
2) Prayers for whoever is Bunny's case manager in LaPorte. Each girl has a case manager: she will be the person who facilitates Bunny getting through her required programs while in DOC and assesses when Bunny can be released. Pray for Bunny to find favor in the eyes of the DOC personnel, but especially the case manager.
3) The population in DOC is much different than in detention. It is for serious violent offenders through the age of 21. Prayers for Bunny to connect with individuals that help look out for her safety and give her positive companionship.
4) Prayers for Bunny in the next week of waiting to see what DOC will be like. Anticipation can be a very fearful state - prayers that she has continued encouragement from people in detention (both the other girls and the staff). Their support has meant a lot to her and the other girls experience in places like DOC has given her some idea on what to expect.
5) Finally, that Bunny would be released as close to the 90 day minimum as possible. If she was released at 90 days, she would be home in Evansville for her 14th birthday. That would be amazing!
I cannot express our gratitude for all of your love, prayers and support. We are humbled. We are thankful. We are blessed by each of you.
Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow!
Monday, March 9, 2020
June 18, 2006
It's a strange thing, to try to go to bed knowing you have a scheduled appointment to be cut open an expand your family by 1. Nothing will be the same. Every family photo - every holiday - every time you set the table - forever changed. Thanks to the miracle of science, you can schedule this for your convenience at an appointed time.
June 18, Abigail Heath, David and I sat to watch Peter Jackson's tragic attempt at King Kong, because I just couldn't sleep. How do you go to sleep counting down to 6:30 am when you show up at the hospital to permanently alter your family? The mental energy involved with TRYING to picture what the future holds makes you exhausted - but the spinning mind keeps you from actually falling asleep.
So today, March 9th, I will sit with David and binge watch something trying to get my eyes to close, even though my brain is swirling imaging the future after court tomorrow at 3 pm. We will get up, shower, drive to our scheduled appointment and have our family permanently changed....family photos, holidays, how we set the table...
On June 18, we pictured making our family whole - we couldn't wait to welcome this little Bunny (we've called her Bunny since before she was born - she was a kicker!) into our arms. Tomorrow, our family faces the fracturing that began back on January 8th. We will cling to her for a moment before she is taken away.
I'm still praying for my miracle of her coming home on house arrest - but even if that occurs, we aren't done with this process. Tomorrow is the beginning of the next thing. Maybe it's DOC - maybe it's house arrest - but it is the culmination of the 8 weeks of wondering, "what will happen to our B?". A new process to learn. A new normal to create. A new countdown until the Next next thing....and so it will go - possibly for the next 8 years.
But something happened on June 19 that March 10 cannot change - she became ours....forever. And no matter where she goes - no matter how far away they take her - no matter how long this process continues - through it all - she is ours. And just like we did in June 2006- we will always bring her home.
June 18, Abigail Heath, David and I sat to watch Peter Jackson's tragic attempt at King Kong, because I just couldn't sleep. How do you go to sleep counting down to 6:30 am when you show up at the hospital to permanently alter your family? The mental energy involved with TRYING to picture what the future holds makes you exhausted - but the spinning mind keeps you from actually falling asleep.
So today, March 9th, I will sit with David and binge watch something trying to get my eyes to close, even though my brain is swirling imaging the future after court tomorrow at 3 pm. We will get up, shower, drive to our scheduled appointment and have our family permanently changed....family photos, holidays, how we set the table...
On June 18, we pictured making our family whole - we couldn't wait to welcome this little Bunny (we've called her Bunny since before she was born - she was a kicker!) into our arms. Tomorrow, our family faces the fracturing that began back on January 8th. We will cling to her for a moment before she is taken away.
I'm still praying for my miracle of her coming home on house arrest - but even if that occurs, we aren't done with this process. Tomorrow is the beginning of the next thing. Maybe it's DOC - maybe it's house arrest - but it is the culmination of the 8 weeks of wondering, "what will happen to our B?". A new process to learn. A new normal to create. A new countdown until the Next next thing....and so it will go - possibly for the next 8 years.
But something happened on June 19 that March 10 cannot change - she became ours....forever. And no matter where she goes - no matter how far away they take her - no matter how long this process continues - through it all - she is ours. And just like we did in June 2006- we will always bring her home.
Thursday, March 5, 2020
Skeptics need not apply
If you've been a parent or aunt or babysitter or hand any interaction with children, you know they don't always have the best ideas. Imagine a little kid asking you for an ice cream treat as an after school snack - and you - the adult - already know that you are having breakfast for dinner, which means the kid will be loading up on sugar that evening. You tell them no - not because ice cream is bad - not because you are trying to ruin their afternoon, but because you know that too much sugar is a bad thing.
Sometimes, you try to reason with the child: "Too much sugar will make your tummy hurt." or "You won't go to sleep tonight if you eat all that sugar now." You, with your wisdom and experience can see that their best (and most enjoyable future) is a path that doesn't have ice cream in it now. But try telling that to a 6 year old who can already imagine that rocky road goodness on the tip of their tongue.
As we approach a reality where God may say no to all the many prayers on Bunny's behalf - I myself am the little kid thinking that I'm asking for something good. What mother doesn't want to spare their daughter the difficulty of prison? What mother wouldn't want their 13 year old daughter back under their roof where I could personally care for her and ensure she gets the help she needs?
A life path through time in the Department of Corrections is much different than missing out on some rocky road before having waffles for dinner - but I have to believe that my loving Father in heaven can see what I can't. I have to trust His wisdom to know that maybe what I'm asking for isn't the best thing for her. Maybe her best life comes out on the other side of this valley and she has to walk through it - not be rescued from it.
For all the atheists in the room calling "foul" - I get it. I brag on the faithfulness of God to hear my prayer but now that the answer seems to be no, I am backtracking and changing my tune. All the people who call faith a crutch just to help me sleep well at night could use this as a prime example of twisting my faith to meet my emotional need.
But I know something the unbelievers don't - I know He is there. And I know He is good.
While I appreciate my unbelieving friends "sending warm thoughts and good vibes my way" - that is not the same as prayer. Warm thoughts show their empathy. Prayer is powerful. Your prayers are the reason I get out of bed. Your prayers are the reason that even though I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life, I have a reason for hope. I KNOW the Holy Spirit is moving through you on our behalf. I KNOW your prayers are making a daily difference in Bunny's detainment.
There are moments in everyone's life where you are truly tested - do you believe He is who He says He is? Do I believe He loves Bunny more than I do? Do I believe His plan is better than what I can understand? Am I confident in His faithfulness to us in the very darkest moments of this journey?
My faith isn't a crutch. It's the very foundation of my life.Without it - there would be no hope.
I will keep praying till Tuesday that Bunny gets sent home on house arrest. From my perspective - that would be best - for her and for us. But if she doesn't - I believe that in some way I can't understand, her time in DOC is ultimately better for her than coming home. And I will continue to live and breathe through your prayers and the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the only way we will make it to the other side.
Sometimes, you try to reason with the child: "Too much sugar will make your tummy hurt." or "You won't go to sleep tonight if you eat all that sugar now." You, with your wisdom and experience can see that their best (and most enjoyable future) is a path that doesn't have ice cream in it now. But try telling that to a 6 year old who can already imagine that rocky road goodness on the tip of their tongue.
As we approach a reality where God may say no to all the many prayers on Bunny's behalf - I myself am the little kid thinking that I'm asking for something good. What mother doesn't want to spare their daughter the difficulty of prison? What mother wouldn't want their 13 year old daughter back under their roof where I could personally care for her and ensure she gets the help she needs?
A life path through time in the Department of Corrections is much different than missing out on some rocky road before having waffles for dinner - but I have to believe that my loving Father in heaven can see what I can't. I have to trust His wisdom to know that maybe what I'm asking for isn't the best thing for her. Maybe her best life comes out on the other side of this valley and she has to walk through it - not be rescued from it.
For all the atheists in the room calling "foul" - I get it. I brag on the faithfulness of God to hear my prayer but now that the answer seems to be no, I am backtracking and changing my tune. All the people who call faith a crutch just to help me sleep well at night could use this as a prime example of twisting my faith to meet my emotional need.
But I know something the unbelievers don't - I know He is there. And I know He is good.
While I appreciate my unbelieving friends "sending warm thoughts and good vibes my way" - that is not the same as prayer. Warm thoughts show their empathy. Prayer is powerful. Your prayers are the reason I get out of bed. Your prayers are the reason that even though I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life, I have a reason for hope. I KNOW the Holy Spirit is moving through you on our behalf. I KNOW your prayers are making a daily difference in Bunny's detainment.
There are moments in everyone's life where you are truly tested - do you believe He is who He says He is? Do I believe He loves Bunny more than I do? Do I believe His plan is better than what I can understand? Am I confident in His faithfulness to us in the very darkest moments of this journey?
My faith isn't a crutch. It's the very foundation of my life.Without it - there would be no hope.
I will keep praying till Tuesday that Bunny gets sent home on house arrest. From my perspective - that would be best - for her and for us. But if she doesn't - I believe that in some way I can't understand, her time in DOC is ultimately better for her than coming home. And I will continue to live and breathe through your prayers and the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the only way we will make it to the other side.
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