Like a prayer

 I'm not sure what is happening with Bunny right now.  For those who don't know, a service called GTL is the phone payment service that the prison system uses in Indiana. I put money into an account and she has permission to call my phone number only. Regardless of how much money is in her account, the phone automatically disconnects after 20 minutes. This phone is in her unit (where she sleeps) so she is able to call nearly every day before lights out at 8:30pm, as long as there aren't other girls using it or they have been restricted to their bunks for some reason. There is a long automated message every time informing us of how to block calls from the prison with other legal disclaimers and messages, and then, after the minute long robo-voice, we hear Bunny's sweet soprano saying "Hello". There are only two ways she says it - one for when she is upset and one for every other day. 

We discovered that the times she is restricted to her bunks, she has tried to call from her tablet device which is supposed to support internet calling. It hasn't worked - but sometimes, she can hear us and we can't hear her. We didn't receive a call from her yesterday and then today she called and we couldn't hear her, but we think she could hear us. The first time the phone rang and I couldn't hear her, I told her to hang up and call back. And she did. The second time I offered to keep talking to her and she could just listen. So, for the the full 20 minute phone call David and I simply told her what we were thinking, how we missed her, and how much we loved her.

I could picture her holding a phone to her ear. I could imagine her voice speaking back to me. We could guess what she would have said and how she would have responded. When you know someone's heart so well, you can talk to them like they were there. I've done that with my Nana - talked to her about something I knew she would love or something I knew she would say about a current situation. Even though she has been gone for years, I can hear her voice - her soft whistle - I can see her face with a gleam in her eye when she was pleased about something. 

It made me think about praying - that the further I feel from God, the more one-directional my prayer feels. He feels distance and cold - unreachable. Phantom-like. A concept without substance.

But when I'm attuned to His presence - when I am in step with His heart - I can speak everything I am thinking and actually know what his word would say back to me. I can hear a gentle whisper in my mind telling me things that are true about him - who he is - how he loves.

Part of the divine mystery is to be united to something we have never seen - never heard - never known. Even more mysterious is how many times we see His hands, we hear His voice, we know His will. 

2/3rds of her unit either had COVID or COVID symptoms. Maybe the healthy girls have been restricted to their bunks to keep the safe and that's why she couldn't use the regular phone. Maybe she came down with symptoms and now is isolated. Maybe the phone was just being stupid and she's absolutely fine. 

But no matter what, I know she heard me. I know she heard my love. And in the quietness of the other end of the line - I knew her love for me too. 

And as I pray, in the quiet stillness, I can hear His love. I can be confident in His love for me - and for her. 

Shadows and whispers

 For us, the world tilted off its axis on January 8th. For everyone else on the planet, it was about March that it became clear nothing in 2020 would be what we expected. We passed through this year recognizing and sometimes grieving that this year was simply a shadow of what it might have been. 

Now with Christmas lights casting shadows on the edges of the world, I can’t help but think that Christ experienced so much more of this shadow existence we have walked. 

We missed our churches, singing along to our laptops in our homes. He joined the broken voices of mortal men, having left the heavenly host singing to the throne. 

We missed our friends and family, keeping our circles small and safe. He left oneness with the trinity - a perfect harmony - a perfect peace. 

We treasured our walks in parks - a brief moment without a mask, seeing the trees and blossoming flowers - giving thanks for every sunset and starry sky. He walked on the earth he had breathed into existence - the Word that had brought something from nothing - and listened the ground groan beneath him as it longed to be restored to the glory He intended. 

As the hymn reminds us “Thou who was rich beyond all splendor, all for loves sake becamest poor”. 

While during Christmas we focus on the gift, putting off the unpleasantness of the crucifixion until Holy Week, Christ’s poverty began the moment He took a mortal breath and limited himself to mere shadows and whispers of the existence he knew in heaven. 

Maybe we needed this type of poverty. Maybe we needed to be shaken from our comfort and routine to remember that on our very best day on this earth - the most it can ever be is a step on the journey homeward. Maybe from this sense of loss we will finally glimpse what his gift really meant. 

We all have affirmed in our hearts and minds to never take for granted the joy of gathering together - or hugging and holding all those we love - of seeing each other face to face - being wholly present. 

And just maybe we can use this gift of perspective to see these moments as He did - shadows and whispers - and yet worth savoring - and saving. 

Love moved first

This has been a week. Tuesday night Bunny unleashed all of her emotion over the phone at me and I was nearly catatonic at the time she hung up on me. But - as David said - I was her safe space. And it was better for her to use me as a punching bag then get into a fight with one of the girls at the facility. Imagine dozens of teenage girls tucked into a single room, barreling towards the holidays, having not seen family in over 9 months, with no sign within their four walls of anything special to come. Of course she needs to vent. Of course she needs an outlet. 

Without any resolution to the tension I was feeling or even confidence that we would speak to her soon, David and I got up the next morning and drove 61 quilts to deliver to DOC. We came upon the building in the middle of a field - surrounded by double layers of razor wire and extraordinarily tall fences with warning signs all around - here was my daughter’s residence since March 18. 

Sighing the paperwork to donate the quilts, I was maybe 25 linear feet from her. I could see the “unit 3” logo on the wall just inside the heavy security door. Reading the emergency evacuation diagram on the wall in the outer waiting area, I saw that there was one hallway and a bunch of brick and mortar - and then - my daughter. The closest I’ve been since March 10th. It felt farther than ever. 

The last 72 hours has been fraught with delays in emails, delayed appointments, DOC phone systems not working well, ancillary frustrations and general 2020-ness. Not great. 

I was acutely aware of Screwtapes advice to Wormwood - the powers of darkness didn’t have to do anything big or overt to sway us from love and mercy - just nudge. I realized the inconveniences and frustrations we have felt so consistently though this difficult time are primed to nudge us to anger - to despair - to hopelessness - to taking out our emotions on whoever happens to be there. 

And yet...

Love moved first. 

Casting Crowns sings “you didn’t wait for me to find my way to you. I couldn’t cross that distance even if I wanted to. You came running after me, when anyone else would’ve turned and left me at my worst. Love moved first.”

Through this year of rubble and ruin I have seen God move before us time and time again.  Psalm 193:5 says “You hem me in behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.” At my worst self - my most selfish - arrogant - proud - fearful self - I cannot undo the grace He already gave. I never earned his love to begin with - which means I can’t loose it either. 

Just like my daughter continues to be my daughter even when she’s mean to me. And I continue to be David’s wife even when he is the most convenient outlet for my own frustrations. Love doesn’t wait for the apology. Love doesn’t make you earn your way back into good graces. When you have your back turned and are stamping your foot - love comes to you.   

The darkness can try to nudge its way in - to press us towards our baser-selves. To only see the wrong and be blinded to the persistent cosmic shift around us. Because no matter how tempting it is to give up on each other - or even ourselves - love moved first. 

Peace on earth Goodwill towards men

 My mom brought me a beautiful holiday floral bouquet with a chorus of “we wish you a merry Christmas” and I nearly burst into tears. I already know I will not have a merry Christmas. (So does she, but if you know my mother, you know she is rarely found without a song in her heart and on her lips.) 

My house is silent and unadorned- I am not walking through Advent season as I have in years past - solemnly with prayer and fasting - or joyfully with praise and singing. December 25 is a date on the calendar to move past as I wait expectantly for my own child to come. 

And then I thought about that...how this season - like Mary - I am awaiting a child that will bring with it comfort and great joy.  My own advent season began on January 8 and will continue well past Christmas Day. And yet - I thought about how Jesus was Mary’s promised son - but He is our promised savior. I realized how Mary was waiting for one thing - but like all of Christendom - she was also waiting for Immanuel. God with us. 

God being with us - with me - is the only thing that has brought us through this year. And then suddenly a different song was on my heart - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. 

My favorite hymn by far, these words caught in my throat:

“And in despair I bowed my head. There is no peace on earth I said. For hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth, goodwill to men.” 

That’s me - right now - today. But that isn’t the end of the song - or the story for that matter. It continues:

“Then pealed the bells more loud and deep - God is not dead nor does he sleep. The wrong shall fail and right prevail with peace on earth, goodwill to men.” 

I’m not going to be decking any halls with holly - but the truth of Advent is that we are reenacting what has already occurred. Jesus already gives us peace. Not of this world, but His own. The peace He shares with the Father, he gives to us while we walk this broken land. (Need a little extra encouragement? Check out John 17)

Christmas Day, like every other day that should be a celebration this year, will be hard. But the peace He brings will help get me through until I can celebrate with Bunny - Christmas in March (or January) is closer to Jesus’ actual birthday anyway....

Ain’t nothing like the real thing

 I’ve wanted to post a blog for days and I just couldn’t get the words out. They still might appear as a jumbled mess but it feels fake to hold back the words inside that hurt and only let out the words that could impress or inspire. 

Our countdown with Bunny is on - 98 days today. See - it would’ve been more impressive to do this two days earlier and have some pithy writing about 100 days. If I’m honest, I’ve giggled while singing the verse of “100 bottles of beer on the wall” that corresponds with the count every morning. 

This is just plain hard. Because 100 days still felt like an eternity - not a moment for celebration. Because the next 100 days include thanksgiving and Christmas and another birthday for my boys. Because 100 days doesn’t change the devastating phone call two days ago when she tried to relive how this year could have been different if this never happened. Or our discussion on the number of moments she could have made a different choice that would change her path. 

I’m not surprised hearing her think about these things now - it’s the same stuff running through my head. Because this last 100 days isn’t just hard to finish waiting - it’s the year anniversary of so many low moments. 100 days includes the last time the 5 of us were under the same roof in West Lafayette. It’s the one-year anniversary of the conversation she and I had over thanksgiving break when I asked her to move with me after Christmas and she said no. It’s the one-year anniversary of the fight we had - a moment I lost my cool and she was so wounded that it’s part of the court proceedings. 

100 days of living through painful memories. Another couple holidays that will be lumped into the pile of trying to get through it but needing to do something because the boys shouldn’t have to forfeit the “most wonderful time of the year” just because their sister is gone. 

So there you go folks - the count is on.....and we will just keep counting. 

Wind and other miraculous forces

 We had a fairly windy day this week and now the trees are mostly bare. While you cannot see the wind, it’s easy to see it’s handiwork and experience it’s force. Trees were swaying, with leaves being scattered to the ground, people had to walk leaning their bodies forward into gusts, bracing themselves to keep from being pushed off course. Loose debris on the road skimmed above the surface until it crashed into a pole or fence or some other fixed object. And in the sky the clouds rushed across the great expanse as if they were running late and needed to rush to some other part of the world. 

You can’t see it, but you know it’s moving. 

Jesus tells the wind to be silent and the disciples fear him - who is this man that even the wind and waves obey him? 

Jesus scares us for the same reason we don’t want to trust wind - power, invisible, unpredictable. Just as Jesus can move the wind and waves, he moves in our hearts, across space and time - he moves powerfully - invisibly - unpredictably. 

But the wind’s power is often seen in destruction - capsizing boats, destroying homes, uprooting crops, and causing torrents of water to flood the land. Fearing the wind is natural because we aren’t sure we are safe.

Jesus’ power is so intimidating that it can be difficult to feel safe around him - and sometimes we are called into circumstances that don’t seem safe at all. But Jesus is good - and his power - even greater than the wind - brings healing - restoration - wholeness. 

I may not be able to see Jesus - but I see Him on the move. I see him moving when 10 people (many who do not know each other) work together to make these quilts for the girls. I see him moving after receiving donations from 13 different households- completely covering the cost of the quilts. 

Don’t let me paint a false picture here - it isn’t easy. This time seems to get longer with each passing day. And walking this path is like walking uphill into gale force winds - requiring every ounce of strength and courage I have. But I also have the strength that comes from knowing that I do do not walk alone.

Amy Grant has an old song (How can we see that far) that says “The mighty wind that knocks us down if we lean into it, will drive our fears away.” 

There are times that God hides us in the cleft of a rock face and His great wind passes by us. There are times His voice comes on the softest breeze. There are times God himself will silence the wind and waves on our behalf. And there are times the storm will continue to rage around us - and we have to press into it - because He is moving. And the violence of the wind whipping around us will not be our destruction - but will make us whole. 

Hunker down with me a second....

 I spent a while with Bunny's principal on the phone today and was caught up on the plans they have for her, as she has nearly completed 2 full years of high school since arriving there March 18,2020. While they will be supplementing her coursework with certification programs (potentially EMT and a full Microsoft Office certification) the majority of her time will be spent being a one-on-one tutor for the other girls. All of the teachers have spoken of her aptitude for teaching others and they need all the help they can get. With COVID, none of the normal volunteers can be present. The girls lost all enrichment programs beyond what the full time teachers can do. Bunny has become part of their enrichment team...

Bunny also told me last night how blown away the girls are by the gift of the quilts. The idea that strangers would invest time and money into them is beyond what they could ask or imagine. They would have never considered receiving a gift this year....they may not have received many gifts on the outside either...

Words cannot express how much I miss B. There is a dull ache in my chest EVERY. DAMN. DAY. I wrestle with trying to be very present with my boys and be in this moment with the people I love while simultaneously wanting to cocoon myself beneath the blankets until she can return. And yet...

We will never know the impact of Bunny being in DOC - between her direct contact with the other girls, the expansion of their library through our donations, the gift of the quilts, the help she brings academically to others when no other volunteers can be there, the prayers offered for her, the girls, the staff....

The Bible paints a beautiful picture of Ester being "born for that moment" so that her beauty could save the Jewish people through her influence on a foreign king. Ruth's love for Naomi culminated with a marriage to Boaz that started the Messianic line. Rahab was at just the right place at just the right time to facilitate the entry of all the Jewish people into the promise land. Generations upon generations of women using the moment they had to make a difference for others. Often in the face of hardship. Often despite undesirable circumstances.

We American's prize our wealth and land. We call it wisdom to work hard and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps to try to make life just a little bit better for the next generation - our legacy... but these women of the Old Testament were nomads and wanderers - none of those women had security in their land - they were all in exile at some point. None of those women had security in wealth. Those women, poor - damaged - strangers - foreigners - impure - outside the faith....a woman in a harem - a prostitute - a foreign widow who offered her body up for some grain to feed her mother-in-law...these women made a difference in their time and place by showing love.

If Bunny was home - we would be loving on her. We would be trying to provide for her the best we could out of our hard-earned wealth and property. And that wouldn't be wrong. But it also isn't enough. Most of the people who are in the greatest need for love won't be showing up in my regular circles. They're in prison...in the poor parts of town...in shelters...working undesirable jobs...making tough choices on how to feed their families...

I don't know how we will keep showing love to the girls of LaPorte once Bunny is home - but I know we are already brainstorming about it - David and Bunny and I - because some of the greatest opportunities to love aren't going to be found in bright and shiny places. If we are going to be light, we need to be willing to enter the darkness. 

Bunny is shining brightly there now....but it's up to us to keep it going....

38.....

Tomorrow is 38 weeks that my daughter has been incarcerated. 

She was born at 38 weeks.

My daughter has been in jail the same time it took for her to grow into a person.

I can't help but wonder, what kind of person has she grown into this time.

When she finally comes home, who will she be? How will she have changed? Will she still hate beans? Will she still love fuzzy things? 

I gave birth to one person. The justice department will give birth to another. 

I believe that God has just as much intention for her now as He did when He gave her a beating heart and her precious soul. I believe He is just as much part of the process of crafting the woman she is becoming, as He was intentionally crafting the baby I delivered. 

And just as I sat holding my stomach and wondering who this little person would be, I spend a lot of nights clutching my stomach wondering who this person will be....

And just as I knew I would love this person fiercely from the moment I found out I was expecting her; I wait with expectation - knowing I will fiercely love her unconditionally for the rest of my days.

And as time went on during my pregnancy, and anxiously waiting became impatiently waiting became me jumping up and down and eating spicy food and doing everything I could think of to make her come to me - my anxiously waiting has grown impatient and I would do anything in this world to bring her home.

Obviously, her birth happened in God's time and not my own.

And I have to trust now that this too is in God's time.....and just keep waiting.....

A rose by any other name

 Scripture is filled with examples of God renaming people at critical junctures to express a defining characteristic for their lives and/or future. So, when Bunny told us she had come up with a new name for when she comes home, David and I are ready to roll with it.

She has chosen Grace Rose Ely.

Grace is because of God's favor to her throughout this whole experience and her recognition that our love and acceptance from God is by grace and grace alone.

Rose is because it has always been her favorite name for a girl. The very first story she wrote (when she was still just learning how to write) the main character was a girl named Rose. She also said that she loved roses because although they were very beautiful, they came with their own self-defense mechanism. 

There is the added benefit that a name change will make it harder for unsavory people in her past to track her down. In fact, when she comes home, David and I will probably never use social media again, to try to protect her from people in her past that would primarily use such outlets to find her. 

Names are a funny thing. I chose Berneice Abigail because of two very influential women in my life. My grandmother, Berneice and my "younger sister" Abigail Heath. Both of these women had characteristics that I hoped to honor by naming my daughter after them - character traits I would love to see grow in myself and all of my children. Strength. Courage. Wisdom. Integrity. Compassion. Generosity. Service.

Calling her Bunny, well that just happened naturally. And it stuck. Because she WAS Bunny - the name just fit.

Allowing her a new name also allows her to redefine who she wants to be, rather than being burdened by who she was. While I had great expectations for Bunny's future - my heart is full of hopes and dreams for Grace's future - even more than I could have imagined. 

U2 wrote a beautiful song "Grace", which was rerecorded by my favorite christian vocalist, Nichole Nordeman. The end is:

She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt, what once was friction

What left a mark, no longer stains

Because grace makes beauty out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty, in everything

Grace finds goodness in everything

There is beauty to be found in her future. 

My father signed every letter or email to me "by Amazing Grace" - as we all lay claim to the same unmerited favor that makes us right in God's eyes. This crushing year continues to be a testimony of God's grace to us.

Grace and peace be with you all through our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Not a bad boarding school

 Most of the time Bunny and David and I imagine DOC to be a bad boarding school. Food isn't great - she's far away - most of our conversations focus on her school work and what she is reading....

Then there are times where you can't forget where she is. Yesterday's face time call was one of those times.

Yesterday Bunny told us that she had been moved to Unit 2 for her own protection - not physical - but mental/emotional. Bunny had befriended someone with issues (she's pursued the marginalized individuals since she was 3) and got caught up in the drama of this person's manipulations. Sound familiar? It did to us as well. We actually knew about this a month or two ago, when the manipulator was making life difficult for Bunny and really trying to demand behaviors from her (you can't be friends with anyone else, you can't talk to anyone else, you can't read if I want to do other things, etc). 

What we didn't know, is that since that time, Bunny has struggled to stay away from her. The manipulator kept apologizing and acting like things would be different and Bunny believed her. Wash, rinse, repeat. Over and over again for a month. Each time the manipulator would end up causing the same sort of drama, leading to some really hurtful arguments. The staff saw this happening and the warden determined that the best solution was to move Bunny into Unit 2 to keep her away from this trouble maker. The manipulator will be leaving DOC soon and so to keep Bunny from any further toxic interactions, Bunny was placed in Unit 2 and will be returned to Unit 3 after the other girl leaves. 

Ms. Browning assured us that NONE of this reflects poorly on Bunny and there is NO disciplinary association with this decision. It is for Bunny's benefit to be kept away. Ms. Browning also assured me that she has been talking about this with Bunny (as well as her therapist and psychiatrist) to help Bunny build confidence in protecting herself from these types of individuals and situations. They talk about healthy relationships, warning flags and how to removed yourself from toxic relationships without getting caught up in angry drama.

Some big mercies/thanksgivings/causes for ongoing prayer:

1) This pattern of Bunny's of befriending the unliked individuals is a blessing and curse. She see brokenness and wants to help - but she isn't mature enough to create the necessary boundaries. I am SO thankful:

    a) At Klondike Middle School, all toxic interactions were through snap chat, text, tik-tok or little comments in passing on the bus, the hallways and the lunchroom - no adults heard what was happening and whatever we did hear was still subjective and only 1 perspective. Here, the teachers, counselors, and guards hear and see everything first hand. They can see how Bunny is being manipulated and directly speak into those issues.

b) While David and I only hear 5 minute summaries after the fact, Ms. Browning and Ms. Hamilton (her therapist) are getting the full picture and are directly working with her on these issues. Ms. Browning is a christian and feels it is her calling to bring the love of Christ to these girls and it shows. This is a huge blessing!

2) Bunny didn't want to tell us, but because the phone call is in Ms. Browning's office, she had to. This is hard to know Bunny is still keeping what she calls "unpleasant" information from us. She says she isn't afraid that we will be mad but she doesn't want us to be worried. I'm thankful that even though Bunny can choose to keep things from us, there are others there who see and hear everything and can guide her and let her know that she doesn't have to try to handle it on her own.

3) Bunny and I had a really good follow-up phone call talking about the difficulty of trying to give her freedom without her feeling abandoned - give her independence without feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders - let her be young and innocent AND let her grow and mature. It's a tightrope every parent faces and we are doing it long distance. However, I feel she really heard our heart.

4) Prayers for David and I. This is SO hard to hear. It was discouraging to hear that the same patterns are still bringing pain into her life. It was discouraging to know she only told us because Ms. Browning was sitting there listening. We feel so helpless - wanting to parent her in wisdom and yet only knowing what she wants us to know - only getting 10 minute glimpses into her life - never having seen the place she has lived for over 8 months - never having met the people who are actually guiding her life right now. 

Even before Bunny was sentenced to DOC, I was confident that God would place her where she needed to be. For me, this is proof of that. DOC is able to teach her things that are critical to her mental and emotional well-being much more effectively than David and I could. DOC can have eyes and ears in every moment of her life. DOC is giving her a safe place to learn hard lessons. 

I hate that she is there - but I'm also so thankful for all that God is doing. And that itself is a full confusing range of emotions......it isn't boarding school - but it seems to be where she needs to be.....

Restitution

Just the facts: 

This morning was the restitution hearing from the criminal case. It was held via Zoom, which was no less intimidating that being in the court room. Bunny attended from an office at LaPorte DOC. In addition to the lawyers, the victims attended and so did an insurance representative. We had received the initial restitution document back in April, but two more were filed immediately prior to the hearing. In fact, even our lawyer didn't have the documents that the judge was referring to. The defendants included the Janey's (whose house was a complete loss), the next door neighbor's (who had damage to their siding on one side of their house just from the heat and smoke from the fire) and the insurance company. Each filed their own motion for a restitution amount. 

In a juvenile criminal case, only the juvenile can be held responsible for restitution (not the parents) and therefore the judge has to try to determine the juvenile's ability to pay. Bunny was questioned by both the judge and the prosecutor about her possessions. While our lawyer pointed out that her possessions were all gifts and had no been purchased by her own money, the judge determined that her valuable items could be sold for the restitution.

The final verdict was that Bunny needs to sell her laptop, iphone, 3DS, bike, etc and that she should be able to pay $750 in restitution. It was concluded that David and I could sell the items on her behalf. Our plan is to sell everything in a single transaction at a pawn shop that can provide us an itemized receipt for us to give to the judge. Obviously we will make up any difference between how much her possessions sell for and the $750 required.

Next steps:

- For those who don't know, Bunny should be done with her court ordered programs by mid-October but her "out date" is listed as March 18, 2021. Her case officer will be appealing to the judge after Bunny has finished her court ordered program for early release. We have no idea what will happen with that appeal, but it is our hope she would not be in DOC all the way into next spring.

- We have no idea what is next (if anything) in the criminal case. According to our understanding, this was the last step. 

- A civil suit (which has not yet been filed) is almost certain. Now that the restitution has been established, we expect to receive notice of a civil suit. The victims have 2 years from the incident to file suit, so they have until January 7, 2022 to file a civil suit against us for additional restitution. 

Now the feelings:

- Court is always super stressful - even over Zoom. Please pray for Bunny as she has to process all of her thoughts and feelings alone. There were some very big numbers thrown around before the final number was settled on by the judge and I'm sure she is dealing with some anxiety/guilt/etc

- Honestly, if David and I could give the victims all the money we have, we would. We feel that we SHOULD pay for their expenses and losses. Unfortunately, we live in a world of lawyers, so instead of us trying to do what we can on our own, we need to wait for the lawyers to go through the process and argue details before we have any idea of what we will give to the victims. This part of the process will drag on for some time, which is stressful for us.

- We still haven't seen Bunny (other than facetime) since March 10. That weighs on us, on the boys and on Bunny - it feels much longer than it actually has been.While she has a routine in DOC and we have settled into a routine in our new house - which in itself is strange and sad.

Please continue to pray for us all....

Sideways

I didn’t have a great call with Bunny tonight. It wasn’t like we argued. She was distracted. I didn’t have much to report. She gave me an idea that I didn’t think was that good. She didn’t really know what to say after disagreed with her. Parents have a million interactions like this with their kids over the years. Not terrible.  Not great. A little tense or awkward. Words unsaid. Emotions just under the surface. 

It’s like when you walk into a room and things are left sideways. Not broken. Not damaged. Just needing to be righted. A simple fix when you are present. 

But when you live your parenting over the phone 20 minutes at a time...sideways doesn’t get righted quickly. And maybe unresolved just stays unresolved. Tonight’s 20 minutes was just 10 awkward ones instead. I’ll wait till tomorrow for another chance. 

I’m grateful for these glimpses into her life. I’m grateful for what small connection we can maintain. But these moments, more than others, are the times I wish I could just walk down the hall to her room and sit on her bed and work out any of the weirdness.  

And I’ll live sideways, with her hours away, until she is just a walk down the hall. 

On losing and gaining

It's been 179 days since she was taken. We are days away from a full 6 months apart. Where has it gone?

I was reading a news article that was summarizing 2020 in America thus far, and I found that I couldn't remember most any of the things mentioned for January or February or even into March.

I read excerpts from The Washington Post and the New York Times daily. Daily! And I couldn't remember anything.

Like most people, the reality of COVID didn't truly hit (in the change every part of your life sort of way) until mid-March. Our reality had already been turned inside out and despite reading daily news reports, nothing outside of my very small sphere of events stuck in my head. It isn't surprising really. It's kind of like giving birth - it's life changing and dramatic, but there's also so much happening simultaneously, after awhile the details fade away and only the most major moments stand out.

But as I reflect on the first half of this year, I realize how very quickly our lives both shrunk and expanded. As a globe, we were both determined to stay connected and yet nearly completely isolated. 

We learned how much of our life could be lost - and we learned which parts of it mattered.

We learned how much of our relationships could weather the sudden change - and we learned the pain of loneliness like never before. 

We learned how to flex to keep things going - and we learned what Zoom and FaceTime and technology could not replace.

And from this place of learning what truly mattered to us, life started to move....

Racial reforms started to move in ways that haven't been seen since the 1960's.

Intentional acts of kindness and generosity - outpourings of sacrifice and selflessness pour out in unprecedented ways.

People lauded jobs that had been thankless professions like never before - had we ever applauded our custodial staffs the way we have this year?

People of immense talent took to the internet to bring others joy, simply because they could - for free.

Yes, we grieved great loss - moments that could not be postponed - milestones that looked much different than we expected - no family present when last breaths were taken - or first cries were uttered. There are things that have passed that will never come again.

And yet - we learned that we could change. We learned that we could grow. We learned that even in the darkest times, we could thrive.

My family is forever changed. Our parenting has forever changed. Our marriage has forever changed. And yet.... even with all that we have been missing, perhaps some day in the future we will find that we let go of some things that we really hadn't needed to hold onto. We may find we reclaimed pieces of ourselves that we hadn't meant to lose. 

And maybe, just maybe, we will someday find that we have gained more than we lost.

Happy birthday eve

This one is hard to write.

It’s the eve of her birthday. A day that seemed impossibly far away just a few months ago. A day that we had at one time hoped would include a face-to-face celebration at home.

Our family loves birthdays….we often create a multi-phased celebration that can take days or even weeks. One year, I gave myself a birthday month. Yep – a full four weeks of celebrating me. We love birthdays as a communal event. Even when it is “just family”, it’s a crowd. Favorite foods. Lots of presents. Lots of laughter.

One year she had a My Little Pony cake, where the cake was a sheet cake decorated with all the new my little pony sets, that were also part of the gifts. One year it was a French toast buffet – all the different types of French toast and a wide variety of toppings. There was the cupcake cake (a very yummy trend for that year). There was the donut cake – stacks on stacks of donuts. Actually, one of my biggest challenges in putting on my kids birthday parties is figuring out where candles can go, because the cakes are non-traditional or outlandish.

It’s a great joy of a mom – to celebrate your child’s birthday. It’s a day you share with them – the day they joined society. After months of being only yours – now they enter the world. And for all those amazing mom’s who adopt, I’ve heard many similar stories about the “gottcha days” – a shared moment that changes your identity forever – and theirs. Your stories are forever entwined – even when they are hard.

There isn’t a day of her confinement that hasn’t also distinctly marked my life. Her story will always include these months away. So will mine. We are forever interwoven – she is always my daughter and I am always her mother. And so while she mourns tomorrow for so many reasons – I have a myriad of my own.

It has been said “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” – meaning, we can choose how to meet each circumstance. We can choose how we experience pain. We can choose how much we suffer.

I have been seeing God’s blessings and faithfulness through this all. I have been seeing Bunny used to bring Jesus to dark places. I’ve seen Bunny grow as a young woman – in empathy, in wisdom, in character. I’ve seen Bunny receive opportunities that actually help her to excel in academic, despite the multiple transitions that interrupted her progress.

But tonight…tonight I suffer. Tonight I choose to suffer with her. To join in her tears. To mourn from a distance. To imagine what tomorrow could have been. To feel the depth of loneliness.

Tomorrow we celebrate her from afar. She will have a face time call with her whole family. I will bake her a cake (at her request!) and we will eat it while having her favorite foods for dinner. It will be a party in honor of her – despite her absence.

But tonight…..tonight I will give myself over to the impossibleness of this situation….cause tomorrow is my baby’s birthday…..

Lessons of white privilege in IDOC

Over the last few months, Bunny has been learning the very real nature of her privilege and how it impacts teens. While the news of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and Breonna Taylor certainly have an impact at LePorte Juvenile Correctional Facility, Bunny began her education into white privilege the day she arrived.

First, while many of the kids in Johnson County were white, here, she is the minority. The youth of color are the first to learn the disparity of the justice system. Many girls there live in northern Indiana, close to the facility - places like Gary, La Porte, and other areas of the state that have a much higher concentration of people of color. 

Bunny stands out with her blonde hair, blue eyes and pale skin. But she also stands out for a lot of other reasons. She came to LaPorte already working ahead of her grade level, while the other girls are doing "credit recovery" work for deficiencies in her education. Bunny loves to read. So much so that she is reading to girls (The Hunger Games series) who never read and never enjoyed books because they are functionally illiterate. I ask her how much money she needs in her account for telephone calls, snack items and toiletries. Many other girls go without or are limited by what their families can afford. Bunny isn't a fan of the food. Other girls enjoy actually being guaranteed 3 meals a day. Her roommates are shocked by how much mail she gets and how supported she is - while many of them rarely hear from their families and almost never receive letters.

The very assumptions of their futures show the great divide in realities for teenager of color in Indiana....

Bunny knows the address she will return to and that she will have her own room and all her old stuff. The other girls have little confidence about their living arrangements and status of their stuff when they leave the system.

Bunny knows she will go back to school, finish early (thank to all the credits she is earning while in DOC) and then go to college. The other girls assume they will never go back to a normal school, maybe get a GED and laugh at the thought of college.

Bunny still dreams about all the possibilities for her future career and what interests she has. The other girls assume they will need to scrape by on low wage jobs, like their families and other friends do.

Bunny can't wait to put this behind her. The other girls assume that they (or someone close to them) will be in adult DOC before long. This connection to the system is part of the reality of their lives and social circles. 

Attitudes. Expectations. Hopes. Dreams. 

For the teenage girls of color in LaPorte with Buuny, her greatest demonstration of white privilege is hope for her future. 

Like many, I am trying to listen and learn how I can be an antiracist...how I can be an ally for all people...how I can bring about change in my spheres of influence. But a lot of this is learning through books and social media - my current circles are very white - very secure - very insulated. 

More and more, I believe that to really change that, it's the girls with Bunny right now who need a vision of hope. They need to be able to see themselves doing better than their parents before them. They need to see education and better careers as a possibility to help break generational poverty cycles. They need connections with positive influences that give them opportunities beyond gangs, drugs and violence. This isn't me adopting a posture as a white savior - it's recognizing that while the day-in and day-out systems that my kids live in set them up for success, Bunny's roommates are set up to fail. Their everyday systems (education, judicial, economic, etc) are unequal, generationally disadvantaged and limited. 

Bunny's reality is what we usually paint as the american dream....live in a wealthy country and make use of every resource and opportunity to become anything you want to be. There's no limit to what you can achieve if you are willing to work hard. 

What she is learning, through casual conversation on a near daily basis, is that this is not the American Dream. This is white middle class dream. If you are born into enough privilege, you can springboard yourself anywhere else you want to go. 

The unjust deaths reported in the news should break our hearts. They should cause us to be outraged. But so should the difference in the schools in Gary and the schools in West Lafayette. We should be just as outraged by the inequality of healthcare for people of color. We should be just as broken by the lack of hope young people face, as their grief when another black life is lost. If black lives truly matter, then we should be advocating for their youth, for their education, for their support systems - not just that they shouldn't be murdered. 

George Floyd couldn't breathe. 

These girls with Bunny cannot hope.

Both are a tragedy.....

Empty Room

21 years ago, in love with my future husband, I wrote a song talking about how hard it was to be far away from him. He was a Senior at Purdue (Indiana). I was a Senior at Rutgers (New Jersey). There were 800 miles between us, as well as 2 semesters and several part time jobs, keeping us from spending time together. 

Today, I moved boxes labeled "Bunny Storage" from our storage unit in West Lafayette to her room in our new house in Evansville. It's freshly painted (a color she chose) and it has her furniture and boxes with her name on it. But she isn't there. And I really have no idea when she will be there. And that has stirred so many emotions in me. I'm so thankful to have a home to move her to - and thankful that it is a fresh start for her. And yet, to go through this major life change without her here was heart wrenching. It didn't help that today I picked up the "evidence" (aka - her possessions seized by police the night of the arrest) and finally brought those home as well. This time feels so awkward - moving forward in pieces and chunks - never feeling whole - never feeling like it's actually settled.

21 year old me thought she knew about loss. She thought she knew about grief. She thought she knew about pain and longing. Painting Bunny's "empty room", I could hear 21 year old me singing these words. The words ring true to me today - but 21 years ago, I had no idea how much a heart can hurt...

Empty Room - Lyrics by Susan Ratcliffe, Music by David Ely

I see you sitting at your desk, you're on the telephone

Remember I know how it feels to be lost and alone

They say that distance makes the heart grown fonder

But sometimes I don't think I can last much longer

I close my eyes so that I see your smile

I know your voice though it has been awhile

Empty room why do you feel so cold to me

I long for you but painted walls are all I see

800 miles never felt so long before

Until I found what I was searching for

But you're gone, and I'm alone

You're gone, and I'm alone

The word goodbye seems to come so frequently

Can I stop time and make you stay here with me

A right of passage, a fact of life for you and I

But how can I live day to day without you by my side

I close my eyes so that I see your smile

I know your voice though it has been awhile

Empty room why do you feel so cold to me

I long for you but painted walls are all I see

800 miles never felt so long before

Until I found what I was searching for

But you're gone, and I'm alone

You're gone, and I'm alone

He is Enough...This is Enough...I am Enough

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4: 11-13

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 1 Corinthians 2: 9-10

"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities,nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 37-39

"Maybe God put me here for what I can accomplish in this time, that couldn't happen any other way...." Bunny Ely - May 13, 2020

Tim Keller gave a fabulous sermon on meditation, giving an example through Ephesians 3 where Paul expounds on the love of God (breath and length and height and depth) and teaches us how to rest in the truth of who God is and what that means for us. In this time a feeling perpetually insufficient and limited by the very physical barriers of distance and disease - I have begun a simple meditation to rest in the truth of who God is and what that means for me - and Bunny - and everyone else in the world. 

My mantra has become "He is Enough - This is Enough - I am Enough". Simple to say - easy to remember - deep and powerful truth.

He is Enough! His grace is sufficient. He give us our strength needed for each day. NOTHING can separate us from His love. All things originate from Him and so I remind myself that He is enough. I don't need to look to other places, people or things. I rest first and foremost in Him.

This is Enough. Whatever this is - fruitful or bare, abundant or scarce, pleasant or difficult. Today - right now - in this moment - this is enough. Things change quickly for better or worse. But Paul reminds us in Romans 8 that this life and things present do not separate us from the love of God any more than things to come or powers of darkness or death or anything else. This moment - this painful, complicated moment which could tempt me to despair is not able to separate me from God. This is enough. It doesn't have to be better for me to be ok. I can desire change, but my HOPE is not in a change in circumstance. My HOPE is in God. And He is Enough.

I am Enough. God is so gracious to give Paul words of strength and power. Paul isn't left with a warm and fuzzy thought about God being enough. He give us encouragement that God gives us grace and strength so that WE are Enough. His grace and strength work in us a through us - even through our greatest weakness or fear. I can be confident of His work in me - so even when I feel insufficient, I can trust that His strength is Enough for this moment. Right now. In this circumstance. So when I feel so far away and incapable of parenting my daughter - that is a feeling, but it isn't the ultimate reality. The ultimate reality is that for this moment, whatever I can do through the power and grace God gives me, is enough. I may wish I could do more - but right here, right now, this is enough.

Finally - this is true for us all - including Bunny. While the context for the quote above was with regards to her schooling, the very fact that she sees the hand of God moving for her good in this time is an answer to prayer far beyond my wildest hopes and dreams. The comfort she can receive knowing that God is purposeful in this place for her - that there is good - right now - not just in her future.....this is beyond all I could ask or imagine. 

I thank you all for your prayers - because I know your prayers of intercession are moving in her. I know the Holy Spirit is comforting her and giving her eyes to see God's presence. And I know every time I choose faith over my fears, it is because of the love of God, experienced in your prayerful support for us, that allows us to see an ultimate reality far beyond how I feel.

He is Enough

This is Enough

I am Enough

The beautiful prison of ignorance

There are things you can't un-know.

There are things you can't un-see.

There are things you can't un-feel.

Despite how awful the truth may be, once it is known, it shapes us - how we respond - how we think. 

Ignorance can come from many things. It can be a choice - closing your eyes to what is around you. Or maybe it's lack of access - never experiencing anything different. Or maybe it is simply naivety - being too young to have experienced enough life to understand the world. But there is a beauty we call innocence. Thinking the best of people. Hope for the future. Belief in the impossible. Childlike faith. And yet, to thrive one must leave behind at least some of that innocence. One cannot remain naive. If you want to make a difference in the world, you have to see the ugliness and injustice and corruption. You have be honest with yourself about your own flaws and failings. You have to recognize that truth and justice must be fought for - that doing what is right often comes at a cost. 

For Bunny this entry into reality has been quick and brutal. From without and within, she now wrestles with the awful truth - her actions - their consequences - her current reality - her precarious future. For the last several months, things happened so quickly, frequently changing with little knowledge about what was coming next, that I don't think she ever really sat with her reality. Whether it was actual shock or simply repressing all her thoughts and feelings until she had space to process them fully, she is only now asking herself questions we have been thinking all along. And while she has very few answers, the questions weigh on her. I hear this in subtle comments on the phone. Or brief statements in her emails. The few questions she verbalizes to us reveal a much deeper questioning in her heart and mind. Over the past 2 weeks she has been posing questions like:

How do I move forward without just putting all of these emotions and experiences in a box and pretending it didn't happen? 

How do I have real relationships with people when I get out - I don't want this to be ALL they see, but this is a big part of my life story.

How is this impacting others? My parents - my brothers (especially AJ) - the victims? 

How can I ever make things right?

How did I get here? How did I throw my life away so fast?

What happens next? Is there really a future out there for me?

These are all appropriate to ask. But as her mom I can't help but grieve. I grieve her innocence lost in this all. I grieve how little guidance I can provide over bad phone lines and emails limited to 2000 characters. I grieve how little emotional and spiritual support she has for these questions - who is showing her mercy? - who is teaching her about grace? - who is giving her hope?

She is no longer in a beautiful prison of ignorance but a very real and hard prison of reality. She cannot change the past. She cannot know the future. She simply obeys the instructions for the present and marks each day as complete when the lights go out at 8:30 pm. 

For those of you praying - please pray for her mental, emotional and spiritual health. She MUST process this experience - and yet in our limitations for communication I have to rely fully on the Holy Spirit to minister to the very deepest parts of her heart and mind. And please pray that those in contact with her speak words of encouragement - of hope - of grace. 

Life through a snap chat filter

Nearly every morning I send friends a snap of me smiling - greeting them for the day - sending out warm thoughts and positivity. Most days, I add a fun filter - hearts encircling my head - teddy bear ears or something else that feels fun. The filter doesn't just add cartoon art - it smooths out my face, trims my jaw line, brightens my eyes, removes uneven skin tone and wrinkles. It's me - but not really. Of course my friends know that I have dark circles under my eyes, the beginning of a double chin and uneven skin tone. But we all enjoy the snap - they accept the airbrushed version, even though they know the truth.

Life is kind of like that with B right now. There's this pseudo-reality in our calls and emails. First - everything is monitored and record and read or overheard by other people - so there is only so open you can be. But more than that, there is an understanding that reality isn't great, but it also can't change anytime soon. So we know the truth, but choose to look through the airbrushed lens of life.

Just two days ago when I spoke to her on the phone I said "Hey Bun!" in my usual excited tone. "Hey Mom", was her response - but it sounded weary and ragged. "What's up? Everything ok? You sound glum." And immediately her voice jumped half an octave, got a jolt of energy and she replied "Nope, I'm chill." We moved on.

There was this understanding that she probably is weary and ragged - but there was nothing she or I could do to change it. We were at the 1 month mark for her time in LaPorte - and we have at least 7 more to go. If she was sitting beside me, I would have thrown my arm around her and pulled her close and told her it was fine to open up; that I was here for her and tried to encourage her in any way possible. That is not an option right now. Right now, we both had this need to sound ok. I don't want her to hear my pain and feel any extra weight of guilt with all that she is going through. She doesn't want me to worry about how she is doing.

I tell her it's ok to feel - to not be fine - to be sad or lonely or angry or disappointed. Just like all my friends tell me it's ok for me to feel all my feelings. But the reality is we are both trying to protect each other from the difficulty. I can't imagine how hard her life is right now - and I don't want to do a single thing that would make it worse. She already feels so guilty for everything we are going through - and she doesn't want to make me worry more than I already do. Right or wrong, we can't help ourselves. We want to protect each other. She knows I'm hurting. I know she's lonely. But we're both "fine" or "great" or "chill'. We keep it light and positive - like someone is drawing teddy bears and hearts around the phone line.

I wonder when we will have the space and time to process this together. I have aspirations of writing a book about this time with her - not that it would be some best seller - or even ever be something ever be published. But as we both love to write and it is something we do together, I have this desire that some day, she and I could put together our experiences - see how we both grew stronger - how we changed - and the things that would always stay the same.

Someday we will be filter free...but for now we keep on the rose colored glasses....

Sojourning in the land of promise

Hebrews 11 is my favorite singular book of the whole bible - full of hope - and yet unafraid to look death and suffering in the eye. Hebrews 11 acknowledges all that lived in faith - those who received the fruit of great miracles and those who were martyred and died. And Hebrews says that they all looked to a better country. They were strangers and aliens in the land, looking to a city "which has foundations, whose architect and builder is God." In my life so far, none of these earthly cities have had firm foundations.

David and I got married in August 2000 and we have yet to share an address for the entirety of our stay. Nutley, NJ - David leaves in January 2003 to join the Army and I stay in our little one bedroom place until I move to Indiana in September that same year.
West Lafayette - I live in two residences (first with my amazingly hospitable in-laws) and then with my infant twin sons in a basement apartment. David never shares those dwellings as he is in training or deployed the entire 20 months I live there.
Colorado - June 2005, I move in a month before David arrives. Deployed again right after the birth of Bunny, we leave to a house in Lafayette and David goes to war. Again.
Lafayette - My three kids (under 3) and I move in September 2006. David finally returns from Iraq in April 2008.
West Lafayette - We move to our house on Grackle in October 2013. Nathan and I move to Evansville June 2019.
Evansville apartment - Nathan and I have been living in the apartment 7.5 months before David and AJ join us in February 2020. Bunny will never know this space as her home.
Evansville house - expected move date - May 27 - expected date to be reunited with Bunny - TBD - maybe December 2020, maybe later.

Maybe David and I will live in this Evansville home the same length of time. That would be a first, despite our marriage of 20 years this year. Twenty years of sharing a life and never once has our address contained all of our immediate family under the roof for the same length of time. It's not how most people picture home.

But that's why I love Hebrews 11 so much. Life doesn't have to look "right" or "normal" to be good and faithful and full of promise. We are all sojourners in this land, even if you live your whole life in the same town.

Easter Sunday - the resurrection - isn't about Jesus rising from the dead and staying on earth. He goes to that city - whose builder is God. If my hope was in normalcy, I would have succumbed to despair a long time ago. If I thought that the promise of "a future and a hope" was for this lifetime...I'd have no faith at all.  Easter doesn't just say that the cross and the grave are empty - it means everything in this mortal frame has a degree of emptiness - a feeling that we are strangers - a longing for eternity.

And so like Abram, we set out into whatever is next, not knowing were we are going. We journey on, not hoping that this NEXT thing is THE thing we have been longing for - but seeing that God is faithful and good and full of promise along our way to the FINAL thing.

It was only one hour ago, it was all so different then

"It is the new norm with which we must learn to live": regarding "Acceptance" the final stage of grief according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.

This idea of living in a new normal is something so many people are struggling with right now due to COVID-19. With most of the United States and many parts of the world under a "Stay at Home" order of some kind, our new realities are shockingly small and extraordinarily tech dependent. For our graduating seniors of HS and college, many are grieving missing out on the spring semester of senior year - things they looked forward to for nearly 3.5 years. Weddings are being canceled. Funerals are being postponed. Birthdays now center on drive-by parades or virtual parties through FaceTime and Zoom. It is temporary - but long enough that real life changes must be made. We must find new routines and create new normals.

This mirrors what our family is experiencing with Bunny gone. It's a whole laundry list of new norms and routines that are pretty much centered around our home, but without her in it. Like COVID-19, it is not the final reality - but it is long enough that we cannot live as if we have simply pressed "pause" on life and things will restart as they should soon. Events, holidays, birthdays and significant moments will be missed, never to come again. In some ways, everyone now has a small taste of what it is like to be a part of the justice system we are experiencing. I think people can empathize more with isolation and limited freedom and missing out on what seemed to be a regular activity just last month.

I - personally - am struggling with this push towards a new reality.

I found myself setting out 4 plates, not 5. For the longest time I automatically got out 5 plates and had to put 1 back. I've finally learned that I am only counting to 4. And that reality makes me grieve all over again.

Knowing it will be at least 8-12 months without her in our home, I told the boys to think of a fun summer vacation - assuming COVID will have passed. We are no longer expecting her home this summer so the four of us might as well do something together. And that reality made me grieve again.

Bunny's favorite blanket "Fuzzy" keeps ending up on the floor by morning. I've been clutching it through the night like a life preserver for months. Now it's a blanket that gets kicked off when it's too warm in bed. And that reality makes me grieve again.

A new normal without her - even for a just a season - makes me feel like I've given up on her. Like I've stopped fighting to keep her her. Like I've accepted the 20 minutes of contact via phone each week as the fullness of our connection. And that makes me grieve...

I feel guilty for being so helpless. I feel guilty for even seeming to move on in the smallest ways. I feel like every moment that I accept her absence will make it that much harder to fit her back in when she returns. And I don't want that. I want a permanent Bunny-shaped hole in my heart and in our home that can only be filled by her upon her return. I want an empty place setting - and empty chair - a fuzzy wrapped around me at night.

But like COVID 19, the other end of this experience will not go back to the normal that was before. We will continue into a NEW normal. Maybe one that is more empathetic. That values connection. That has freakishly clean hands.  It makes me think maybe I shouldn't save a Bunny-sized whole - because she may need a different size or shape when she returns. Because she too will be changed.

And the forces changing her...that too makes me grieve.....

In a world where you can be anything....

Be kind.

MaryBeth Chapman wrote a book "Choosing to See" in the aftermath of losing one of her daughters in a tragic accident. The book is phenomenal and I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet. After all, since we are all home, might as well read a good book.

The title of that tome has probably been more helpful to my mental and emotional health than numerous therapy sessions, as an ongoing reminder of my ability to take control and  choose what I see. As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression for much of my adult life, I don't intend to preach a quick fix for all circumstances. I for one can tell you that in my deepest days of depression, opening my eyes may be as much as I could "choose" to do. Acknowledging there was a greater reality to the overwhelming darkness I was experiencing was nothing short of a miracle. I couldn't choose to "get over it", "be happy", "count my blessings" or any other pithy advice thrown my way from people with somewhat good intentions but no idea of what depression is all about.

However, in a better mental space, I was able to start internalizing this idea that our filter by which we saw the world was very much in our control. When you are in the bottom of a pit, the pit truly is surrounding you on all sides and the light is very far away. But if you've managed to climb out of the pit, you begin to see other things that have been present all along - just blocked from your field of view. People outside the pit kept telling you they were there - but now you can see them for yourself - if you choose to look.

These last few months have given me so many opportunities to choose to see. But more than that, I am overwhelmed by those who have chosen to see my daughter as more than a DOC number...more than her sentencing....more than her corrections uniform. Despite having my only daughter sent to a juvenile maximum security facility at 13 years of age in the midst of the greatest pandemic of over 100 years, I am overwhelmed by the perpetual gentleness and kindness from those in the very darkest places of society.

From the county sheriff who cried as she put cuffs on Bunny in our home, to the personnel at the county jail, the Johnson County Detention Center, and now the Department of Corrections; these individuals extend kindness to us as we learn this new system. They speak in soft tones and patiently explain every process (which is continually changing thanks to COVID-19), answering any questions I have. They tell me how sweet Bunny - how smart she is - how well she is doing. They encourage me, telling me they are looking out for her in my absence. That they want the best for her.

They are executing the law. They are following the procedures for incarceration. But they are doing it with kindness. With patience. With grace. Despite the tragic situation we face, they have chosen to see my daughter for more than her crime. And they see me, as her mom, longing to know that someone is taking care of her when I cannot.

I'm not in the pit I once was...but I'm pretty far from those mountain top views - it's more a valley of rolling hills with partly cloud skies. But the more I experience people seeing Bunny for her whole self, the more sun that peaks through.

They choose to see her.

I choose to see Him.

Tminus ? and counting

Imagine a room....picture it in your mind....

For each of us, we probably had 4 wall and a ceiling - maybe we all had a door - some of us had a window. It may be bright or dim - decorated or empty - full of wonderful memories or completely foreign to you.

Every time I talk to Bunny, I learn a little more about the room that she is in. I can't see it anytime soon - but with another 5 minute phone call, I can picture a little more. This is the bittersweet aspect of talking to her. As the reality of her time in DOC takes shape, it simultaneously eases my fears and accentuates the reality of her imprisonment. I am both grateful to better picture her surroundings and completely undone by her reality. It's a constant tension that I doubt will ever leave completely. For all of you praying that we would connect, thank you. That was the longest I have ever gone in my life without speaking to her. I'm hoping that's the record and we won't break it anytime soon.

She said she is fine. She was scared the first few days and anxious, but that has mostly dissipated as she has gotten into a new routine. She is nearly complete with Intake Processing, which has had her with 2 other girls staying in one room pretty much all the time. Their meals are in their room. They complete school work packets in their room. They pretty much only leave for showers, the library and therapy.

Tuesday (March 31) she will join general population as the newest member of Unit 2. (Not sure yet how many other girls that will include.) Her case worker effective 3/31 is Ms. Browning. Starting Tuesday, I will be able to schedule a weekly 10 minute FaceTime call with Bunny. This is huge because we will actually SEE her and we can schedule the times for when we know David will also be home. (He has missed the past 2 calls.)

She has already been to 2 therapy sessions and has a meeting scheduled with the psychiatrist to determine her overall therapy program and any medications. We are expecting him to prescribe an anti-anxiety med.

She has started one of the court ordered programs, which involves her doing reflection on her own and recording answers in a workbook and then discussing it with her therapist. She will start the other programs the court ordered once she is in general population, as those are group sessions.

She has been doing academic work using a packet of worksheets that were deemed appropriate for 8th grade work. She said it was super easy. Starting 3/31, she will be doing online school with the rest of the general population. She has also continued to read voraciously - reading about a half dozen books since she arrived on 3/18.

Her room in the house we are buying has rich dark hardwood floors. It has big open windows and a ceiling fan. It's painted a light color, but she can paint it any color she wants once she's there. I can picture that room. I can picture her in it. I can picture walking down the hall and poking my head, seeing her watching a video on her phone snuggled under her fuzzy. It's not where she is - but it's a lot easier for me to picture that image than it is for me to picture her in LaPorte.

This is going to feel like forever. And then it will be behind us.

He got the whole world in His hands

Global pandemics have a way of changing our focus. I'm sure I'm not the only person who knows someone who actually has the virus and is in serious condition. I'm sure I'm not the only person who had many plans canceled or changed due to Social Distancing, organizations canceling events or common sense to scale back on life and stay home. Many people feel anxious and overwhelmed.

But I have taken great comfort in the size of our God. Our childish song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is actually a huge statement of faith. He has Bunny and her situation (which is still pretty much all consuming in my mind) just as cared for, even though He is also now hearing millions of prayers for the sick, those isolated and afraid, those losing income and not sure how to pay their bills and every other concern taking center stage in someone's life right now.

As I hear of increasing needs within my small group of friends and acquaintances, I can start to feel like I simply just can't pray for everyone. I'm bound to miss someone or something. I'm not even sure if my information is up-to-date and I am praying the right things. And yet - God isn't undone by my limitations. And my prayers aren't less sincere or heard, simply because I'm not always sure what to pray. While I can truly reach a place where my capacity is exceeded by current needs - God never experiences that. There is nothing in this world beyond His reach - there is nothing that goes unseen.

My prayer for Bunny while she is in a new place and we haven't received a phone call in days is no less heard than the prayer for someone fighting COVID-19, struggling to breathe...struggling to live. And those prayers are no less heard than the prayer of one struggling with anxiety, now isolated from their support systems. And those prayers are no less heard than the ones of behalf of everyone trying to have a positive attitude as their patience runs thin and they start to feel stir crazy.

I take great comfort in knowing that God doesn't rank our prayers in order of importance or simply ignore those that aren't as critical. He knows how critical they are to us - and He cares for each of our hearts.

Personally, I'm thankful for everything shutting down.

I'm thankful to have my boys home with me all the time, as we continue to process the last several months as a family.

I'm thankful that the whole world is on house arrest - and when Bunny comes home, she won't be the only one who spent the Spring of 2020 isolated, doing school online and separated from normal teen activities.

I'm especially thankful for all the people who have enough mental space to keep us in their prayers, even though each day brings new concerns and prayer requests.

I'm thankful He has the whole world in His hands.....

I'm not crying, you're crying

Truth bomb: I'm a mess.

For two days this week I sat on a couch and basically did nothing except watch TV and play games on my phone and stare into space while my mind replayed scenes from the last 8 weeks.

My sleep is restless and despite doing nothing I still feel tired. Somehow I am both sad and numb to the pain. I am relieved and crushed by the sentencing. I'm lonely and desperate to be left alone. I'm nearly vibrating with nervous energy - desperate to do something - anything....and yet unwilling to leave the sofa. It's not good.

Yesterday I actually made myself be hyper-productive - cleaning and filling my day with chores. And yet despite the activity I still felt listless inside.

It's a marathon of a situation. And I hate to use that imagery, because I have a father-in-law who is super accomplished in running marathons....so don't picture him. Picture me...I've run 20.5 miles of a marathon. (Again, don't picture actual running - picture an awkward combination of walking, limping, jogging and standing still in frustration...)

When I attempted a marathon several years ago, I had trained for a half-marathon and somehow missed the math that this race would be double the half marathon I trained for. The first 8 miles were a lark - so much fun watching all the other people running around us and seeing their costumes, reading their t-shirts, overhearing bits of conversations. It flew by. The next 5 miles we dug in - the temperature was starting to fall  the crowds were thinning out based on your pace and the wind picked up. We were running down the boardwalk of Virginia Beach looping towards the starting line (the course was a figure 8) and you actually ran through the finish line at 13.2 miles - people to the left ran through the finishers corral getting metals, bananas and other swag. People on the right continue for the second half of the race. It would have been so easy to veer left and be done. But we signed up for the marathon and actually didn't feel like we would die - so we kept going.

Life right now is the second part of that race. Take the most draining activity I have ever done (the half marathon) and double it. Without proper training. Running in sleet. Into the wind.

Every part of me feels wrung out, yet we aren't done. We aren't even halfway done with her incarceration. Somehow, with nothing left to give, I have to stay positive - keep encouraging Bunny - be a mom to my boys who also are processing this (and now home all the time thanks to COVID-19) - be a wife - a homemaker - a college professor - a daughter - a friend.

I have nothing left.....but I'm not done.

During that race, out on the windiest location of Virginia Beach, watching the clouds grow darker and the chop of the water - David and I realized that we were as far away from the finishing line as we could be. As soon as you round the bend at the lighthouse, you are now bringing yourself closer to the finish line with each step. Just run the last 6 miles, an arc around the edge of the beach, and you'd be done. And yet - we knew how depleted we were.

We sat down.

Eventually a van came around and picked us up and drove us back to the start of the race where we parked the car. No medal. No banana. No swag. We were thankful to be in van with heat - out of the rain and sleet. We went back to the hotel - stood under the hottest water we could stand in the shower and slept.

There's no metaphorical van here. This race has to be completed. We have to just keep moving. One foot in front of the other. Or maybe sometimes I'll just sit down for awhile.

While there is really nothing "to-do" anymore - we aren't even close to done.

And somehow, I will need to be enough.

When through fiery trials your pathway should lie

My grace all sufficient shall be your supply....

That is the summative truth of yesterday, today and the days to come. We are walking by grace and grace alone - but His grace abounds!

Instead of chronologically going through the trial - I want to write some clear answers to prayer:

1) I slept the night before....it may seem like a small thing but I haven't slept well in months and Monday night I slept a dreamless sleep. I woke up with a singular truth in my head - the presence of God was with us - and that carried us through the day. We experienced His presence in such clear tangible ways. That is a huge answer to prayer.

2) Bunny was blown away by the prayer on her behalf - friends and family across the nation, Becky's entire small group in Colorado - Joe's friend in South Africa - what felt like the entire state of Indiana - but maybe the most surprising and impactful - a girl from detention told Bunny "I'm not sure I believe in God, but I will be praying for you". You're letters filled with prayer and scripture are making a difference, not only to Bunny but to the staff and residents of Johnson County as well.

3) During his testimony, the psychiatrist gave a clear statement (numerous times, responding to questions from the judge, prosecutor and defending attorney) that Bunny was not a danger to society if she received the appropriate therapies. The judge weighed his professional assessment very heavily in her sentencing and Dr. Ascough was very clear in his testimony.

4) The probation officer gave clear, factual testimony to events but did not respond to any of the prosecutor's attempts to create additional motives or interpret various details to make Bunny look even worse. Joe and Gretchen has specifically prayed Psalm 91 that the Lord would break the bow of the accuser and He did exactly that.

5) The victim's father said that he did not know know when he would be able to forgive anyone for this event, but he looked directly at Bunny and said that he truly hoped she got the help she needed. I think this was a kindness in two ways - 1) I think that very statement showed some compassion towards Bunny that can help her as she processes her guilt 2) The overall tone of everyone (except the prosecutor) was to get Bunny help - to recognize that this event was very out of character and that this wasn't simply about punishing her. Even the victim supported that. That was mercy.

6) The sentence itself - while she isn't immediately coming home on house arrest, this truly is the minimum sentencing that justice allows. Her crimes were as severe as you can be outside of murder and yet the judge recognized that as a 13 year old, Bunny truly did not understand the full scope of the potential danger to the victims, the extent of the damage or the consequence of her actions. We have never once tried to portray her as innocent, but we have always felt that while Bunny went intentionally to the house to cause damage, she never thought the house would be a total loss - or considered the possibility of the people inside being hurt. The prosecutor presented a narrative that not only did Bunny try to kill them, but given the chance, she would do it again and potentially be a threat to others - the judge was not swayed by that line of thought at all. Truth was upheld. And I think justice was as well. This is a huge answer to prayer - that the judge saw through the empty accusations but appropriately weighed the truth of the facts of the case, Bunny's attempt to help the victims after starting the fire and her mental state.

Prayers and praise for next steps:
1) Bunny will be transferred to Department of Corrections (LaPorte Indiana) on March 18 - on March 16 we are allowed a family visit, in which the boys will get to see Bunny as well. Some might recognize that March 16 is my birthday - it will be the best present in the world to see her that day - and the second family birthday party held at Johnson County Detention Center this year - as we were also there on the boys 16th birthday. The probation officer is the one that pushed for the delay in her transfer to DOC, giving us time for a family visit - that was a kindness on her part and we are truly thankful.

2) Prayers for whoever is Bunny's case manager in LaPorte. Each girl has a case manager: she will be the person who facilitates Bunny getting through her required programs while in DOC and assesses when Bunny can be released. Pray for Bunny to find favor in the eyes of the DOC personnel, but especially the case manager.

3) The population in DOC is much different than in detention. It is for serious violent offenders through the age of 21. Prayers for Bunny to connect with individuals that help look out for her safety and give her positive companionship.

4) Prayers for Bunny in the next week of waiting to see what DOC will be like. Anticipation can be a very fearful state - prayers that she has continued encouragement from people in detention (both the other girls and the staff). Their support has meant a lot to her and the other girls experience in places like DOC has given her some idea on what to expect.

5) Finally, that Bunny would be released as close to the 90 day minimum as possible. If she was released at 90 days, she would be home in Evansville for her 14th birthday. That would be amazing!

I cannot express our gratitude for all of your love, prayers and support. We are humbled. We are thankful. We are blessed by each of you.

Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow!

June 18, 2006

It's a strange thing, to try to go to bed knowing you have a scheduled appointment to be cut open an expand your family by 1. Nothing will be the same. Every family photo - every holiday - every time you set the table - forever changed. Thanks to the miracle of science, you can schedule this for your convenience at an appointed time.

June 18, Abigail Heath, David and I sat to watch Peter Jackson's tragic attempt at King Kong, because I just couldn't sleep. How do you go to sleep counting down to 6:30 am when you show up at the hospital to permanently alter your family? The mental energy involved with TRYING to picture what the future holds makes you exhausted - but the spinning mind keeps you from actually falling asleep.

So today, March 9th, I will sit with David and binge watch something trying to get my eyes to close, even though my brain is swirling imaging the future after court tomorrow at 3 pm. We will get up, shower, drive to our scheduled appointment and have our family permanently changed....family photos, holidays, how we set the table...

On June 18, we pictured making our family whole - we couldn't wait to welcome this little Bunny (we've called her Bunny since before she was born - she was a kicker!) into our arms. Tomorrow, our family faces the fracturing that began back on January 8th. We will cling to her for a moment before she is taken away.

I'm still praying for my miracle of her coming home on house arrest - but even if that occurs, we aren't done with this process. Tomorrow is the beginning of the next thing. Maybe it's DOC - maybe it's house arrest - but it is the culmination of the 8 weeks of wondering, "what will happen to our B?". A new process to learn. A new normal to create. A new countdown until the Next next thing....and so it will go - possibly for the next 8 years.

But something happened on June 19 that March 10 cannot change - she became ours....forever. And no matter where she goes - no matter how far away they take her - no matter how long this process continues - through it all - she is ours. And just like we did in June 2006- we will always bring her home.

Skeptics need not apply

If you've been a parent or aunt or babysitter or hand any interaction with children, you know they don't always have the best ideas. Imagine a little kid asking you for an ice cream treat as an after school snack - and you - the adult - already know that you are having breakfast for dinner, which means the kid will be loading up on sugar that evening. You tell them no - not because ice cream is bad - not because you are trying to ruin their afternoon, but because you know that too much sugar is a bad thing.

Sometimes, you try to reason with the child: "Too much sugar will make your tummy hurt." or "You won't go to sleep tonight if you eat all that sugar now." You, with your wisdom and experience can see that their best (and most enjoyable future) is a path that doesn't have ice cream in it now. But try telling that to a 6 year old who can already imagine that rocky road goodness on the tip of their tongue.

As we approach a reality where God may say no to all the many prayers on Bunny's behalf - I myself am the little kid thinking that I'm asking for something good. What mother doesn't want to spare their daughter the difficulty of prison? What mother wouldn't want their 13 year old daughter back under their roof where I could personally care for her and ensure she gets the help she needs?

A life path through time in the Department of Corrections is much different than missing out on some rocky road before having waffles for dinner - but I have to believe that my loving Father in heaven can see what I can't. I have to trust His wisdom to know that maybe what I'm asking for isn't the best thing for her. Maybe her best life comes out on the other side of this valley and she has to walk through it - not be rescued from it.

For all the atheists in the room calling "foul" - I get it. I brag on the faithfulness of God to hear my prayer but now that the answer seems to be no, I am backtracking and changing my tune. All the people who call faith a crutch just to help me sleep well at night could use this as a prime example of twisting my faith to meet my emotional need.

But I know something the unbelievers don't - I know He is there. And I know He is good.

While I appreciate my unbelieving friends "sending warm thoughts and good vibes my way" - that is not the same as prayer. Warm thoughts show their empathy. Prayer is powerful. Your prayers are the reason I get out of bed. Your prayers are the reason that even though I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life, I have a reason for hope. I KNOW the Holy Spirit is moving through you on our behalf. I KNOW your prayers are making a daily difference in Bunny's detainment.

There are moments in everyone's life where you are truly tested - do you believe He is who He says He is? Do I believe He loves Bunny more than I do? Do I believe His plan is better than what I can understand? Am I confident in His faithfulness to us in the very darkest moments of this journey?

My faith isn't a crutch. It's the very foundation of my life.Without it - there would be no hope.

I will keep praying till Tuesday that Bunny gets sent home on house arrest. From my perspective - that would be best - for her and for us. But if she doesn't - I believe that in some way I can't understand, her time in DOC is ultimately better for her than coming home. And I will continue to live and breathe through your prayers and the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the only way we will make it to the other side.

Finding your people

I was laying awake around 4-ish this morning, think of Bunny sleeping in prison, wondering how long that will be her daily life - 2 weeks - a few more months - years? It's all unknown and yet even just a few more days feel like too much for me to bear. This is my best friend Bunny. 13 years old - blonde hair, blue eyes and barely 95 pounds. How is this our reality?

I tried to comfort myself thinking of people of the faith in prison - Joseph, unjustly imprisoned for the lies of Potipher's wife; Jeremiah, chained because the people didn't like what he was prophesying; John the Baptist - jailed and beheaded for speaking truth against Herod; Peter, Paul, Silas, and so many others jailed and eventually martyred for professing their faith. This wasn't really a source of comfort. Bunny is justly detained. Bunny is guilty.

On this side of justice, the same old verses and heroes of the faith aren't nearly as inspirational as you'd like them to be. Job was selected to be tempted specifically because of his righteousness. Daniel faced the lions den for refusing to stop praying and worshiping the one true God. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refused to bow down to an idol, even if the Lord didn't save them from the fiery furnace. Joshua watched the walls crumble at the sound of trumpets. Elijah faced down the priests of Baal. And nearly every apostle of the Lord died for the Lord's sake. When you are on the side of righteousness, it's a lot easier to cry to Lord. The Lord is perfect and just - He is righteous in all of His ways. Of course He would answer the call for something right and good.

But that's not my crew anymore. I hang with Jacob, as he is on the run from stealing his brother's blessing by lying to his dad. I'm in the crowd watching Aaron (you know - start of the whole high priestly line) fashion a golden calf because Moses is taking too long on the mountain.  I'm in the throne room with David, as Nathan says "you are that man" - having ordered the death of Uriah the Hittite so David could take his wife. These are my people - not to glorify their mistakes but to see God's grace in action.

We all are recipients of grace and mercy and forgiveness. For some, you can feel pretty self-righteous and mirror the prayers of these faith warriors that fill our children's board books and are made into Veggie Tales films. But some of us (me) feel the need for grace and mercy and forgiveness more acutely.

What's amazing to me is that Jesus' own lineage includes Jacob and David. The very fact the bible shows people like Jacob and David at their worst and their best is such a huge comfort for me. I know Bunny is not only that 60 minutes of January 8th. That is not the sum of who she is - who she was - or who she will become.

I simply cannot stand under the weight of "what should be". That life is gone forever. But here and now - living in "what is" - I take comfort that this isn't the end of the story. And even in our worst, we are still in good company.

Perspective from 50 feet away

Yesterday in court was the first time we were in the same room as the victims.

It took until the drive back to Evansville to finally understand what was gnawing in my brain. Their perspective. We are the defendants - the ones who have caused harm. They are the victims. And every time I pray for God to grant leniency and mercy for Bunny - I am, by default, praying that God denies them justice.

That crushed me. In fact, it continues to crush me. How can I sing Micah 6:8  and actively pray that victims be denied justice? How can I look at my adult life of advocating for those suffering in an unjust system - generational poverty; racial inequity; gender bias; the failings of our justice system - and not see the hypocrisy of my own prayer?

Because she is mine.

Because I am desperate for her to be home.

Because we will continue to live and breathe feeling the weight of her absence every single moment she is gone from us.

All of those things remain true - but I can no longer pray for God to deny these victims justice simply because my daughter is the defendant.

I will ask for strength for each member of my family as we walk this path.
I will ask for God's presence to surround us no matter what is to come.
I will tell God that my greatest desire is for Bunny to be home.

And I will trust that He will bring to pass what is good. That if He miraculous grants mercy March 10th and Bunny comes home - that somehow He will also make that ok for the victims; that He will be ministering to their hearts as well as ours. And if His path for our family is for Bunny to continue to be detained, that He will somehow make that ok for us; that He will minister to our hearts through the separation.

He has shown you, oh man, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly
To love mercy
And to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8, NKJV)

Update from court

This morning Bunny had her Admission Hearing in which she admitted to the charges of attempted murder (of the girl bullying her) and arson. The other 6 charges were dismissed.

The actual hearing was very difficult to sit through. The victim’s family (mother, father and daughter)  were present in addition to the prosecutor, detectives and other official personnel. For our side, we had David and I sitting with Bunny and the lawyer, and Joe and Gretchen behind us.

Bunny was sworn in and then questioned for the two charges by our lawyer, admitting her guilt, and then again with a little more narrative about her intent to harm by the prosecuting attorney. Finally the judge had her admit to the charges for a 3rd time and provide a detailed account of the events that night. Bunny spoke clearly the entire time but was extremely shaken by the process.

The disposition hearing (sentencing) is scheduled for March 10th at 3pm, on the condition that the psychiatrist is available to testify that day. Also that day there will be testimony by the detectives and potentially the victims. It is scheduled to take an hour and a half and at that time the judge will decide the immediate placement and the initial duration. For juveniles, the judge has authority until she is 21, so any sentencing can be revisited by the judge for either more harsh or more lenient conditions.

Until March 10, she continues to be detained at Dickinson Juvenile Detention in Franklin Indiana.

David and I will be visiting her Thursday evening and will hopefully be able to help her process today’s events.

We continue to feel the grace of all your prayers for Bunny and on our behalf. Waiting for dispositioning will be hard on everyone - especially Bunny. However, today was a big hurdle and we are glad to have it behind us. The very fact that 6 charges were dismissed and we didn’t have to sit through an entire fact finding hearing is a great mercy.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support. Our hearts desire is Bunny would be sent home on house arrest March 11 - that is not likely from a worldly perspective - but we pray this to the God of miracles - of mercy - of hope.