This has been a week. Tuesday night Bunny unleashed all of her emotion over the phone at me and I was nearly catatonic at the time she hung up on me. But - as David said - I was her safe space. And it was better for her to use me as a punching bag then get into a fight with one of the girls at the facility. Imagine dozens of teenage girls tucked into a single room, barreling towards the holidays, having not seen family in over 9 months, with no sign within their four walls of anything special to come. Of course she needs to vent. Of course she needs an outlet.
Without any resolution to the tension I was feeling or even confidence that we would speak to her soon, David and I got up the next morning and drove 61 quilts to deliver to DOC. We came upon the building in the middle of a field - surrounded by double layers of razor wire and extraordinarily tall fences with warning signs all around - here was my daughter’s residence since March 18.
Sighing the paperwork to donate the quilts, I was maybe 25 linear feet from her. I could see the “unit 3” logo on the wall just inside the heavy security door. Reading the emergency evacuation diagram on the wall in the outer waiting area, I saw that there was one hallway and a bunch of brick and mortar - and then - my daughter. The closest I’ve been since March 10th. It felt farther than ever.
The last 72 hours has been fraught with delays in emails, delayed appointments, DOC phone systems not working well, ancillary frustrations and general 2020-ness. Not great.
I was acutely aware of Screwtapes advice to Wormwood - the powers of darkness didn’t have to do anything big or overt to sway us from love and mercy - just nudge. I realized the inconveniences and frustrations we have felt so consistently though this difficult time are primed to nudge us to anger - to despair - to hopelessness - to taking out our emotions on whoever happens to be there.
And yet...
Love moved first.
Casting Crowns sings “you didn’t wait for me to find my way to you. I couldn’t cross that distance even if I wanted to. You came running after me, when anyone else would’ve turned and left me at my worst. Love moved first.”
Through this year of rubble and ruin I have seen God move before us time and time again. Psalm 193:5 says “You hem me in behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.” At my worst self - my most selfish - arrogant - proud - fearful self - I cannot undo the grace He already gave. I never earned his love to begin with - which means I can’t loose it either.
Just like my daughter continues to be my daughter even when she’s mean to me. And I continue to be David’s wife even when he is the most convenient outlet for my own frustrations. Love doesn’t wait for the apology. Love doesn’t make you earn your way back into good graces. When you have your back turned and are stamping your foot - love comes to you.
The darkness can try to nudge its way in - to press us towards our baser-selves. To only see the wrong and be blinded to the persistent cosmic shift around us. Because no matter how tempting it is to give up on each other - or even ourselves - love moved first.
No comments:
Post a Comment