Empty Room

21 years ago, in love with my future husband, I wrote a song talking about how hard it was to be far away from him. He was a Senior at Purdue (Indiana). I was a Senior at Rutgers (New Jersey). There were 800 miles between us, as well as 2 semesters and several part time jobs, keeping us from spending time together. 

Today, I moved boxes labeled "Bunny Storage" from our storage unit in West Lafayette to her room in our new house in Evansville. It's freshly painted (a color she chose) and it has her furniture and boxes with her name on it. But she isn't there. And I really have no idea when she will be there. And that has stirred so many emotions in me. I'm so thankful to have a home to move her to - and thankful that it is a fresh start for her. And yet, to go through this major life change without her here was heart wrenching. It didn't help that today I picked up the "evidence" (aka - her possessions seized by police the night of the arrest) and finally brought those home as well. This time feels so awkward - moving forward in pieces and chunks - never feeling whole - never feeling like it's actually settled.

21 year old me thought she knew about loss. She thought she knew about grief. She thought she knew about pain and longing. Painting Bunny's "empty room", I could hear 21 year old me singing these words. The words ring true to me today - but 21 years ago, I had no idea how much a heart can hurt...

Empty Room - Lyrics by Susan Ratcliffe, Music by David Ely

I see you sitting at your desk, you're on the telephone

Remember I know how it feels to be lost and alone

They say that distance makes the heart grown fonder

But sometimes I don't think I can last much longer

I close my eyes so that I see your smile

I know your voice though it has been awhile

Empty room why do you feel so cold to me

I long for you but painted walls are all I see

800 miles never felt so long before

Until I found what I was searching for

But you're gone, and I'm alone

You're gone, and I'm alone

The word goodbye seems to come so frequently

Can I stop time and make you stay here with me

A right of passage, a fact of life for you and I

But how can I live day to day without you by my side

I close my eyes so that I see your smile

I know your voice though it has been awhile

Empty room why do you feel so cold to me

I long for you but painted walls are all I see

800 miles never felt so long before

Until I found what I was searching for

But you're gone, and I'm alone

You're gone, and I'm alone