You're probably thinking of an elephant right now...or maybe you're question what's wrong with elephants. That's what happens when you try to NOT think of something.
That's been my life for awhile now. I spent a great deal of energy trying NOT to think about the resolution of Bunny's court case or the potential for a civil lawsuit or even wonder how long we would periodically stop life to see a probation officer or attend a hearing with the judge. For two years now this process has been the elephant lurking in every corner of my mind. I saw it's massive grey torso when I went to sleep. It's soft eyes would stare through me during the night as I lay awake trying to anticipate what would happen next. I heard it's loud trumpeting in my mind while trying to teach a class. It's glorious white tusks would gleam and cast a shadow over plans for the future. It was always there. Always watching.
But now, it's over.
Like every other aspect of this experience, my guesses for what might happen next were often wrong and our expectations were often disappointed. Even this last hurdle included a court date moving back 5 days, the prosecutor not showing up to court forcing an additional delay in final disposition and a very unceremonious email stating her final release 8 days after her final hearing.
And now, it's over.
A year ago, while she was still gone, I wrote a blog talking about the heaviness I carried with me of not knowing what would happen on probation. This feeling has stayed with me, changing shape and size for two -years of uncertainty. Of course the worst was the initial court process, but then it morphed into something new while she was gone and again changed when she returned, but remained on probation. The wise elephant would whisper in my ear, "you don't know what you don't know - anything could happen."
Except now, it's over.
It may be awhile before I feel the lack of weightiness. Sure, there was an immediate release when I received the email, but I've been holding onto my tension for so long now, I doubt it will just disappear. And that's ok. I expect my trusty elephant will wander off slowly, without even saying goodbye....just one day...I'll realize that he's gone and I won't remember exactly when he left.
Because now, it's over.
So much of how I process emotion is felt through song...amazing artists who can say exactly how I feel with a melody that brings a depth beyond the words themselves. This blog has featured various lyrics over the past two years, so I think it is fitting to close with one more....
There's something in the way she moves, or looks my way or calls my name
That seems to leave this troubled world behind
If I'm feeling down and blue, or troubled by some foolish game
She always seems to make me change my mind
And I feel fine anytime she's around me now
She's around me now, almost all the time
And if I'm well, you can tell, she's been with me now
She's been with me, quite a long, long time
Yes and I feel fine
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