I listened to the lawyer describe the worst 60 minutes of my families history in minute details - parts I had never heard. Parts I didn’t want to know. I sat in silence, shaking with invisible tears as I listened to my children’s lives dissected, their motives, their emotions, their actions and words. I tried to give account as a parent - one who wasn’t even there - and for my husband - who had been there. In those 60 minutes we had all failed in so many ways and I was desperate to shout out “but you don’t know them as I know them”. I wanted my turn to give account of all of the love and happiness; every good memory; every act of kindness; every word of encouragement.
And that’s the first time in my life that I finally got it - good deeds don’t matter. In the grand scheme of life, good deeds are simply doing what ought to be done. The scales of justice do not tip in your favor - they simply remain neutral.
That may sound unfair but think of it this way. Do you get a free pass of saying a mean thing for every 10 nice things you say? Do you explain to the police officer how many times you’ve obeyed the speed limit when he pulls you over for doing 70 in a 55 zone? Two wrongs do not make a right. And two rights can’t undo a wrong. All of the kind words uttered cannot unsay the ugly words spoken in anger. All the acts of kindness cannot undo the act of aggression. The sum of Bunny’s best moments can not undo her worst.
The Law made nothing perfect.
42 years of Sunday school and sermons and bible studies and I didn’t understand it until that moment. There is no hope in justice. The very best life (and none of us are perfect) could only hope for cosmic neutrality.
The only comfort we have is in grace and mercy and forgiveness.
Lord have mercy.
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