Relationship status: It's Complicated

Hell ya it is...

Today I get to go see Bunny. And that's wonderful - amazing - so thankful to see her. I'll hug her as soon as I enter the visitation room like I haven't seen her in a year...like I may never see her again...because that's how it feels every time.

But the drive down, I'll be wondering if this is the trip where she seems a little harder - a little less hopeful - a little less like "My B" and a little more like a girl who is in a detention center.

I'll rehearse what I'm going to say:

- keep it light, but make sure there is some substance

- talk about life, but don't make it sound "too fun" or like we don't miss her

- answer questions about the legal end, but keep it optimistic

- answer question about the move, but emphasize how I already have plans for her new space when she gets out

- have ideas for what happens when she gets out, but gently remind her it may be awhile...

- tell her about the next part of the process that involves her, but don't make it sound too heavy or burdensome

Thankfully it's a 2 hour drive.

Who am I kidding....I start rehearsing this at 3 in the morning and it's running through my head until the minute I see her.

Last night on the phone she mentioned a new girl in lock-down. I wonder "what did she do?" and "how do I feel about THAT girl being around my sensitive daughter?". And then I think how that other girl's mom has every right to feel that way about MY girl. Maybe someone else visited their kid and is worried about what kind of influence Bunny is being on her daughter. Or pondering what she's in for.

She wrote me a poem and will mail it to me. I can't help but think about the poems I found in her room while packing - verses written about pain from a broken friendship - a little insight into the feelings she kept inside that started this all. She sounded proud of her writing. I've already decided to love it no matter what it says. And I'm afraid of what it says. And then I start kicking myself wondering if somehow I projected myself as a mom that would rather have a happy-go-lucky kid and bottling up her emotion than enter into her hurt - be there for her when life gets real. Maybe that's where this all started. And what teen doesn't keep secrets about how they are really feeling from their parents? And what parent doesn't want to believe that life is as simple as it seems on the surface?

STOP.

Stop the endless circles of "what-ifs' and "maybe's" and "should have's" and everything else that can never truly be known. Yep. That's happening at 3am just like all the other thoughts.

Status update: It's complicated....and it will be for awhile....