This side of the unknown

If you know me personally then you know I've wrestled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. Actually, I'll just say anxiety, because I was really only depressed that I was anxious...

Anxiety for most is a normal response, especially for things out of our control. We aren't sure how things are going to work out and so we worry about it. The more something matters to us, the more mental energy we give to it. For a regular person, I would imagine it might look like this...

How's that hard conversation with a friend going to go...little anxiety

Big job interview...high anxiety

Waiting for test results from the doctor that could change your life...major anxiety

Life for me is a little different. How will people react to me? high anxiety. How will I sleep tonight? major anxiety. What will tomorrow bring? Crushing anxiety.

For me, I'm trying to exercise control over every little moment of my life and for those moments I can't control, I create a plethora of scenarios to try to plan my response. I cannot control what happens - but I can control how I react. I can't control whether or not I sleep well, but I can have plans A - Z on how to prioritize my day based on how much energy I have to spend.

I plan, sort and organize everything in my life - which can make it seem like I have it all together. To people outside my personal version of crazy, it can seem like I make decisions quickly and efficiently and am able to react well to anything that comes my way.

But I never saw this coming. There is no plan A, let alone any others, to help me react.

For every step of this process, I create a new list of possibilities, so I can feel a little less powerless. So I can grasp a shadow of a thought of control. In my mind (which is a whirling, hurricane of thoughts) I can try to prepare for the best, the worst and everything in between. But if this experience has taught me anything, it's that I truly cannot conceive of all that life can throw at me.

So how do I keep going while living out something worse than my darkest nightmares?

I know this isn't the end of the story. I know there is a time when this will be behind us. I know someday I will look back on the pieces of my life shattered all around me - but somehow, I will have been restored. Somehow my family will be restored.

That is my hope...this side of the unknown...