Bunny is praying for house arrest.
When she told me I immediately replied “well honey you know that may not happen.” I didn’t want her to have her hopes up for something that likely won’t happen.
And then I barely slept a wink. All night I tossed and turned wrestling with what I believe about God, about prayer, about faith.
I’ve been wrestling with prayer for years now. I’ve earnestly prayed for outcomes that didn’t come to pass and I felt burned by God. But now my lack of faith is toe to toe with the most important prayer of my life thus far. Bring my daughter home.
How can I simultaneously say that I am trusting God in this and yet tell my daughter basically not to pray. Well kiddo, your prayer doesn’t really align with reality - with what we expect - with what is most likely. How about you pray for comfort in your cell, because that’s what you probably actually need.
Of course I didn’t say those words. I would never say those words to her. But that’s honestly what I was thinking. And I had to ask myself - do I really trust God or is it all lip service to a faith that I claim but don’t live?
Yes - it is a miracle that I am asking for. And praying will not make it come to pass. But what the heck am I doing if not praying for the truest desire of my heart? Why pray at all if I won’t honestly tell God my truest hopes and fears?
David and I are praying and fasting until Feb 25 - not to try to force Gods hand to give us what we want - but to lay flat out before Him what we want - and trust that He sees - He hears - He loves. And even as I type there’s a voice in my head that says “but what is He says no”....and I have to respond to my own heart - then we trust for grace in that moment. But this is the moment to pray for the miracle and let go of the what-ifs or what’s next. In this moment, we pray.
Go easy on doubting Thomas - he’s in good company....
No comments:
Post a Comment