Yesterday in court was the first time we were in the same room as the victims.
It took until the drive back to Evansville to finally understand what was gnawing in my brain. Their perspective. We are the defendants - the ones who have caused harm. They are the victims. And every time I pray for God to grant leniency and mercy for Bunny - I am, by default, praying that God denies them justice.
That crushed me. In fact, it continues to crush me. How can I sing Micah 6:8 and actively pray that victims be denied justice? How can I look at my adult life of advocating for those suffering in an unjust system - generational poverty; racial inequity; gender bias; the failings of our justice system - and not see the hypocrisy of my own prayer?
Because she is mine.
Because I am desperate for her to be home.
Because we will continue to live and breathe feeling the weight of her absence every single moment she is gone from us.
All of those things remain true - but I can no longer pray for God to deny these victims justice simply because my daughter is the defendant.
I will ask for strength for each member of my family as we walk this path.
I will ask for God's presence to surround us no matter what is to come.
I will tell God that my greatest desire is for Bunny to be home.
And I will trust that He will bring to pass what is good. That if He miraculous grants mercy March 10th and Bunny comes home - that somehow He will also make that ok for the victims; that He will be ministering to their hearts as well as ours. And if His path for our family is for Bunny to continue to be detained, that He will somehow make that ok for us; that He will minister to our hearts through the separation.
He has shown you, oh man, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly
To love mercy
And to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8, NKJV)
In my psalm reading the past 7 weeksI have been surprised (dismayed?) at how often God is described as a judge. But so often he is also named the God of mercies. Never ending mercies. I have wrestled with what this means. How do we pray in light of this? I don’t know. For now I’m depending on his perfection to perfectly blend these in a way that his goodness for everyone is fulfilled.
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